recently more active on facebook

but the posts are largely not for public audience. They’re viewed by a select few — mostly by strangers from the west who I could relate to more or less. I mean, aside from them, the bulk of my FB pals are, you know, peeps I have very little in common with. Get what I mean? 🙂

Most Recent FB post:

Far from the real thing, I know. But I’m pathetic  . Anything here that smacks of the splendid ambience of Europe fascinates me. And the mall’s stylish floorings and glistening water were delightful. Plus that was indeed the full moon up there. Anyone has probably come to discern the Big U had placed me in the wrong terrain — which (again) renders this type of post unfit for public spectacle. 😎

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At the Venice Grand Canal Mall, Taguig, Bonifacio Global City last weekend.

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“Josie’s on a vacation far away…” The opening lyric had captured my whim enough for it to earn a spot on my list of favorite songs.

I’ve been given this precious life

And I appreciate it still — to the fullest. I’m doing alright; what have I to complain about.

I was happiest in that land, where I felt I truly belong — in the sense everything about the place could foster my identity, spirit, and the many fancies within my heart.

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Getting out of bed can be a struggle at certain times I admit. (Btw, this isn’t my bedroom. it was in Clarion Hotel in Norway. What’s that thing below my eye? Drat. photo ek ek stuff)

Today is a special day for me. I’m simply glad to be alive.

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Traveling is the only goal left for me now. With very limited resources, well, gotta be picky the next (and most probably the last) time.

There is always something left to love.”
―from One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez

Vacation Photos (Again) From Way Back (2014)

European Vacation 2014. Okay okay, so I was a few pounds heavier then, aside from being two years younger. Please take note: No photoshop at all this time. My sister just sent me these pics which she had kept away from me for almost three long years. Grrr…

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inside a museum in Greenwich London
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I just had to have a pic of me with the prettiest stewardess I’ve laid eyes on
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the most heavenly handsome man I’ve  come face to face with — the guy on the left
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with a sweet tourmate in Brugges Belgium
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having breakfast in Amsterdam, Netherlands

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for afternoon tea with sis

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somewhere in the undergrounds of UK

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inside the Louvre
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very charming house in the suburb of Greenwich London
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in a small park in a London mall

 

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pretty Mercure Hotel in Greenwich

I’d done my very best for the kid

Still estranged from my child. He had texted the usual precise “Hi, hope you are doin fine” twice in a year — obviously for the mere heck of it. Other than that, nothing. No visit, no show of concern, no birthday nor sincere holiday greeting.

Ah yes, he sent a brief letter via text msg enumerating his misdeeds and trespasses from way way back to unload from his conscience. No apology though. And I wondered what his purpose truly was for sending such a missive.

Nobody reads my blog anymore. I, however, still see Philippines on my stats and I suspect it’s him because he has always known this blog was set up for the two of us.

Once again I can say with confidence I have done my very best for my child. That’s the reason my conscience is clear. That’s the reason I didn’t shed too much tears over losing him. Because my son actually owes me an apology.

When his father left us, I took all the responsibility of raising him, with nary any help from anyone, literally. I had no maid to help me take care of him. I worked my ass off for the money that would financially sustain the expenses of raising a child. I practically did it all.

No, I wasn’t perfect. I made mistakes. I confess I had laid a hand on him — which was wrong: my only real transgression as a mother. I had thought it was okay because my parents especially my own mother, who was bipolar and mentally unstable, had done the same to me. I did feel guilty every time. And I begged for my child’s forgiveness throughout the years.

On the whole, I know I’ve been a good mother. People around us believe so. I showered him with love and might have spoiled him enough he turned into a brat. I also have to take into account the blood of my ex-husband that runs strong in my son’s veins. How else could I have been so clueless I was raising a monster.

He was sore I spent money for myself when I traveled to Europe. My own money. Money he thinks shouldn’t have been spent and should have been simply kept in the bank… until when? Until the day I die? I begged for him to come with me which I’d be willing to pay for, because I wanted him to be with me in the fulfillment of a long-time dream.  He refused.

In the almost three years he stayed away from me, I repeatedly got in touch with him, even went to his office four or five times, trying to make peace with him, offering my help if ever he needed it. He ignored me, dismissed me, and showed disrespect a number of times. Not different from the very midnight he left home, packing hurriedly and slamming the door so hard it woke me and several of our neighbors. No explanation, no goodbye.

I wrote him a letter late last year before I went to Norway. I handed it to him and told him if something happens to me, whatever is left will be his. I told him I love him and have done my very best for him. But he was rude and so full of himself as usual which made me cry.

Anyway, he and I know everything in that letter I wrote was true.

And still I ruminate as well on what an asshole and a monster he really is deep inside.

 

A Year In Review

Gave up my teaching job last January. The downside of not being busy and earning much less and feeling like I’m not being productive hit me a few months after. I must admit, however, getting enough sleep now probably beats all the drawbacks.

Used my FB account to get entertained through postings of male American pro-Trumpers. Whether they’re my friends or not, I go into their sites and read and click Like on their intelligent rants and funny memes.

I lost weight mainly because my stomach acidity had forbidden me to consume my favorite drinks – milk tea, Coke, and juice. My sleeping patterns have become ungodly too – going to bed at dawn and waking up at noon. I also started to eat more healthily. They all contributed to reaching my ideal size which makes me feel awesome.

Oddly, I came to like a guy who had shown me kindness during my Norway trip even though his physical attributes are way way off my standards. We became FB pals and kept liking each other’s posts. That’s all. Because in spite of his looks – being plump and short – he’s very popular with ladies and he even has had quite good-looking girlfriends. In my mind I was like “You gotta be kidding me…” 🙂 .

The highlight of my year was my Norway adventure. I had a magnificent time I didn’t even want to go home. What a wonderful experience I hope to be able to travel to Europe again soon.

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Heart Uninspired

Far from being wonderfully measured, I don’t mind if life solemnizes mine once in a while. The simple details of my life are being cherished. Along with my simple declarations. There is content in not knowing. In non-engagement. Nothing to complicate this resting heart.

But as my arms stretch out far to the dark of a quiet night, my past starts to pound while the sky bodes of a compelling flashback. My mission begins to lose strength day by day.

Is it a mere feeling of unease over the fact everything I’ve been running away from keeps finding me in the end?

Can’t afford the risk of my own extinction. Not yet. Maybe I need another new inspiration. Something that will let me plunge into some dream state – get sucked in through the handsome vibe of a good-natured cavalier. To cover my thoughts, to bless my battles and freedom. Someone who will keep this world from fracturing.

Upon my word, my hope, within a silent pledge. Do not punish me for such honesty. Let me live in between spheres against my infinite capacity to feel – as you and I together with our sense of dedication will abbreviate further.

And I promise, I promise I will transform my very fire for you.

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– geena, nov2016

photo source:tumblr_od7c0ulwem1u1l8sno1_540