May Babe Musings (and My Few Remaining Reasons for Blogging)

Unfortunately, I lost my “free wifi” more than a couple of weeks back. I knew it would end someday somehow. Losing it though wasn’t as meaningful as the repercussions it created that had me stumped. Something more precious got lost in the aftermath and it opened my eyes to a few certain truths I had not wanted to face. It’s like kissing a lovely illusion goodbye for the last time..

Embracing the inevitability of change has always been a struggle for me. As the realization that hit me broke my heart, I couldn’t help but weep silently and curl up in bed in the stillness of some nights.

At this stage in my life when my foremost wish is to make peace both with my past and the people who have mattered to me, I’ve got to be magnanimous in my losses, enough to relent and ask that pardon be granted upon me. The slate has to be wiped clean once more to pave the path for new beginnings.  

Have I revealed too much about my past here? Has this blog reflected more than it should on the secrets of my soul? Perhaps so. I knew I’d run the risk of being judged for failing to mince my words. And that I’d be considered as another flawed human being who has been carrying around certain unwanted baggage. I could have lost my virtual friends and readers alike in the process. Nonetheless, I want to remain true to what this blog stands for. Mythical prose has hardly been my aim which means I won’t in any case compromise the authenticity of what I put in here.., where my anonymity my only remaining shield.., no matter what it takes.

I never pretended to be anything I’m not in my whole life and that has always been essential for my survival. In the same vein, I’ve wanted this blog to be the place where I can be totally myself. A place where I can laugh and dance when in high spirits, or fall on my knees and sob during despondent moments.

More than twice in my life, I’ve been told it isn’t easy to comprehend the complexities that comprise the layers of my core. But for me, after all has been said and done, it’s the simplicity of my mind and my life’s desires that sustain me when I can’t seem to find purpose and clarity in the crucial fragments of my existence.

I’m trudging my way around this time so I might not have to keep skating on the edges of sentimental rains. But I’d still keep coming back here anyway, hoping for a glimpse of another dawn. Or a rainbow perhaps.

Someday when I reach the limits of my life’s journey, I hope I may give a fresh try to light upon a place in the timeless benevolence of your hearts and minds.

 

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8 thoughts on “May Babe Musings (and My Few Remaining Reasons for Blogging)

  1. There is perhaps nothing quite so difficult as coming up against what may seem like inescapable limitations, just at the moment when we seem to be breaking through the challenges that beset us in this life. Your journey through life has seen this happen before, and there hasn’t been a single human being ever born, who has not tasted those silent tears in the night. I know, because I am also one of them.

    And yet, as time passes, with each new day, we gain in perspective, and can reflect on the full range of what is possible in our lives. Your intuitive recognition that “The slate has to be wiped clean once more to pave the path for new beginnings,” is also an acknowledgement that the experience from which you are recovering was essential to your growth. Although you are “trudging your way around this time,” you still find yourself “hoping for a glimpse of another dawn. Or a rainbow perhaps.” I believe this new dawn awaits you, and that the rainbow, which only appears after it rains, will be even more beautiful than you imagine.

    I cannot predict what the future holds any better than you can, but I believe in the wisdom of life, and I believe that love will ultimately find us, if we embrace life, and let go of our fears.

    Even though our lives encounter inescapable limitations that may temporarily prevent us from attaining our heart’s desires, you will never lose the love that lives inside you. That love knows no limitations, and you have an abundance of this love within you.

    Please continue to hope for that new dawn. I will be hoping right along with you….John H.

  2. I haven’t delved into your blog yet but my response to this is GO WITH THE MUSE. Writing and self-expression can be cathartic, and you must think so if you’re bold enough to put yourself out there.

    Keep it going! 🙂

    Pete

  3. I’ve been offline for more than a week because my computer died, but I can sympathize with what you said about being reluctant to embrace changes in our lives. My life seems crammed with an over-abundance of opportunities to learn new ways to embrace change, and yet I still find myself very resistant, like I’m fighting all the way (and yet the change comes anyway, as it always will).

    I hope that you will continue to use your blog to be who you are, and that you’ll keep in mind that sometimes our perception of “losing blog friends” is really nothing more than busy people being too busy to have time for visiting anymore. I can remember many, many times when I felt as if I must surely have said something in my blog that offended someone, only to find out that they simply were otherwise occupied in their lives. When we put our words out there, we do so with some sense of vulnerability, and it is hard not to take it personally when people either fail to respond, or even worse, when they say something that is unsupportive or even inflammatory. I’ve been on both ends of that lighting-hot flame, and it’s no fun. I keep trying to remind myself that there are lots more friendly and supportive people out there, and if I just keep writing whatever comes up, sooner or later the right people will find me, (or I will find them).

    Really sorry about the loss of the wi-fi signal. That is one of the things I’ve been arguing with myself about lately. Can I really afford to keep an internet connection? And the cost of maintaining a computer? Should I consider going offline permanently to save money? All questions that circle around in my head, and ultimately, apparently, for now at least, I decided to stay put.

    Hope you will find a way to stay connected. As we embrace the changes in our lives, sometimes it’s nice to hold on to those bits and pieces that help us feel grounded, and heard. I hear you.

    • You have no idea how much your comment has meant to me, because you are certainly one of the few reasons why I love the art of Blogging and why WordPress is still worth hanging around with.
      There is a personal circumstance behind this post that makes me feel like I’m looking longingly at the door that has just closed unexpectedly. Thus, the overflowing sentimentality. 🙂 I am enlightened and appeased however by your reassurance of the more pressing matters that occupy the attention of my virtual friends/readers rather than the delicate stuff I might have written here.
      I’ve decided to stay put too and have found random ways to stay connected. Just want to let you know I’m still relishing my good fortune for having found you and your admirable blog. It’s good to know your computer is alive and kicking again.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out.

      • Your voice intrigues my sense of curiosity. I’m glad you stumbled across my blog, so that I could follow you back across the miles to your own blog. We all seem to lend energy to one another within the blog world, and knowing that there are others out there that are trying to figure out how to improve their lives helps each of us keep growing.

    • I’ve clicked the link and read the Wikipedia article again and this time I understood better. Thank you very much for introducing me to the word. I’m sure I might have experienced it a number of times or have suffered from it somehow. You said you know it all too well. Do you also go through this condition sometimes?

      I have a confession to make. The post above was brought about by the disintegration of my very first email friendship with a blogpal. A shocking realization on my part when a supposedly matured blogger who preached a lot about empathy and compassion in his blog was found out fishing online for girls young enough to be his granddaughter. I didn’t know about those things then. I had no idea, too, the blogosphere can be used by some as a marketing tool (targeting me as a potential customer for his products) – which caused the breakdown of my second email friendship. I only had plain friendships with them but still, I didn’t like the fact that those two bloggers approached me with hidden agendas. I thought they meant well as true blogpals of mine.

      • It’s a great word, isn’t it! Oh, yeah, I experience it. It’s what fuels my misanthropy and anger at the world! One of my favorite movies, Grand Canyon, is about the gaps between what is and what should be. There’s a key line early in the movie where Glover’s character, the somewhat biblical Simon, says, “Maybe you don’t know this, but it’s not supposed to be like this.” Extremely symbolic movie (but I can’t figure out what the helicopters symbolize).

        So I guess this would be a bad time to ask you about investing in my online marketing scheme involving young girls fishing in various open-top boats? I think we could make billions! Just send all your money and fishing gear to this post office box…

        All seriousness aside, I think you know how I feel about advertising and marketing and spammers. And I’ve probably also somewhere mentioned that, in my 20s and 30s, I preferred women in their 30s and 40s, and that stayed true until my 50s. (Actually, it’s still true, but now I can’t very well turn my nose up at women in their 50s. And the range has shifted upwards; probably very late 30s to early-mid 50s, if I’m totally honest.) Women do start looking pretty sexy around 16-18, but they aren’t interesting until at least their late 20s ( suspect it’s even later with guys).

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