Make no mistake. This seems to be the best time of my life, although nothing earth-shaking or exciting has been happening. I go to work on weekdays every morning. Go home at around 6pm. Read, eat, sleep, study, write. Very simple and quiet. It makes me wonder: how come I’m loving every minute of my present peaceful existence? Maybe I was meant to lead a run-of-the-mill life after all. To go through an average routine day in and day out. The kind I resisted in my younger years. I thought then fulfillment means seeking out what other people have. Heavy romance, material stuff, full schedule, night-outs with friends and flames. I thought having more people that constantly surround, recognize and validate me would make me feel better. That included working hard to keep my marriage afloat in order to maintain a stable family life. Yet during those periods when I was struggling to have it all, I was not happy and I felt miserable.
I could have grown plain tired of them all.
Or maybe, this certain “maturity” has given me a new appreciation for the things that truly matter.
Funny, falling in love with an illusion has become more appealing to me. A trick of the light so distant it’s beyond anyone’s grasp. If it breaks my heart, I figure, there will be fewer complications. Lesser damage, I suppose. And I get to go through crap which is unlike the ones I experienced in my past.
And maybe too, I am not making much sense at all.
There seems to be some paradox that exist within me these days. One undeniable paradox I’ve got to deal at this point: even though I seem to have finally found my balance, guilt creeps in everytime thoughts of someone dear to me – whose life is fast slipping away – come to mind. Everything is going well, yet the person who has been instrumental to my current equanimity will be leaving me for good anytime soon. An inescapable reality that at times leaves me in a bind. Complete utopia continues to elude me.
This blogging thing also feels like there’s a whole new world in here which I may never get to understand. I simply want to be myself and be able to express everything. As in everything that’s on my mind. But I’m afraid that’s not always possible. I have to keep on reminding myself there will always be people who won’t feel comfortable with my honesty and some of the things I’ve got to say. It might have been a principal reason why I’ve been passive in the two years this blog has been in existence. This medium I never intended for some particular ends. Certainly not to become popular, do business, start a romance, widen my network, or harbor any hidden agenda. As I’ve repeatedly said before, I just wanted to put my f%*#ing thoughts down.
But I’d hate to be misunderstood. Clicking Like and commenting on other blogs should be practised with more caution I guess. I like reading so much though – ditto for appreciating good prose and the writer’s corresponding prowess. You see, I take pleasure in reading – a thousand times more than writing itself.
Because of time constraints, I admit to regularly following only around three to four bloggers. I’m not the kind of person who needs an array of people to cheer me up. If something in my life works well, I tend to stick with it until the end of time. Same goes for food, jobs, friendships, hobbies, relationships, etc. The fewer the choices, the better for me. Why am I always guilt-stricken when I receive a Like from a co-blogger? For the reason that my present state of affairs can’t allow me to reciprocate or accommodate them all. Shame on me. I do hope to add more blogs in my Follow list as soon as more elements in my lifestyle permit me to.
There remain quite a few things I wish to write here. I’ve chickened out for some time because I’ve come to feel more shy. The fact that I am no angel, committed heavy mistakes in my past, and my life hasn’t been that phenomenal, I worried about what my fellow bloggers might think. It’s a cop out I know. I need to do what I’ve set out to do.
I remain in awe of this blogging world we hope to inhabit for eternity. But it seems both my heart and mind have a lot to learn still.
The woman you see and know here and whose words you read on the pages of this site is no different from the woman that I am at my side of the globe. If ever you find the fancy to offer a handshake, my sole request could only be: Do it warmly; make it every bit as true as the loyalty and friendship I’m willing to extend – in all sincerity. I won’t ask or need anything else from you, my fellow bloggers.
Just please don’t let me settle for less.
14 thoughts on “November Babe Musings (Random Ruminations About Blogging and A Nondescript Existence)”
You write very well. 🙂
Thank you, Sary. So nice to meet you.
Thank you for sharing this.
Dear lady Crimson, it’s a surprise to see you on the comment section.
I confess to not being a poem person, but I find your blog fascinating. You are a natural poet. I get mesmerized by the photos, too. Thanks for dropping by.
Thank you. That’s so nice of you to say! I hope you’ll look around at some older stuff too!
Maybe our nervous systems periodically need to escape the excitement, take a rest, and just be. Before I go on a trip, I usually can’t wait to leave. For the first week or so, I love every minute and hope it never ends. But then I start to get tired of the energy required to do everything — even communicate — and I just want to go home, and feel relaxed and comfortable again. I think we need that.
I hope you’ll keep writing. What are you studying?
I feel the same way about traveling. But whenever I end up loving the place, I never want to go home. 🙂
I’m not studying anything special. My interminable struggle with Advanced Grammar, Advanced Vocabulary, and even the rudiments of punctuation is what’s keeping me busy sometimes. Plus catching up with the interesting books available in the academy that I never got to read in my earlier years. *sigh* Yup, I was not a diligent student in my past.
This was great ! I will have some more to say about it but for the moment I am going to go to sleep before 3 am “speak” to you soon
MrMary! Ha ha, what a pleasant surprise to find you here.
Do get your beauty sleep now, and get back to me when you’re able to.
I’ll be looking forward to what you have to say.
[…] From Manilla – She is really really nice, sweet and sincere, I dare you to read her November Babe Musings and disagree with […]
I didn’t know you were back tickling the keyboard. I’m glad I got to your blog and savored your exquisite writing style. I love the way you express yourself. So warm and tender.
If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about what other people think about my blog posts. Write about things that make you happy. I’m sure John Lennon wrote and sang the music that made him happy. Life is too short to take it too seriously.
Keep on writing and you’ll have me here every single day.
Enjoy and be happy. 🙂
As you might already know, your visits and comments never fail to lift me up. It’s always a delight to read what you have to say here.
The past few days had been seriously tough for me as I wrestled once more with the reality that all things must come to an end. I found myself unable to write merrily so I had to wait before replying to your comments. I appreciate that you have understood my situation.
Thank you so much for the compliments and your good wishes. I will definitely follow the valuable advice you’ve given me.
Another huge fan of yours,
Great Post Lady! I have to agree there is a certain amount of awe in the blogging experience. I’m amazed whenever I peek at my stats and see that people from all around the world have read my writings and some even follow me. Don’t be shy about writing about the things you want to, you have a great writing style and I think you’d be able to handle even sensitive topics with grace and dignity. Keep up the great work!
Hi Martin! Such an inspiring comment coming from you. Thank you. Yes, you are right in saying the blogging world provides us with something special that is both indescribable and beyond awe. I myself am hooked for the last couple of years here and it has also served as a distraction for me during these difficult times. I’ll try to be much more expressive in my writing this coming new year.
You keep up the great work you’re doing in your own blog as well. Merry Christmas!