I Had A Deep Crush On A Girl Yet I’ve Never Been Gay

This singular experience remains as one of the most unexpected happenings in my life that defies explanation. Because if there was anything in me that would remain unquestionable, it could only be my delicate heart that embodies hard-core femininity.

lesbianIt was in an all-girl Catholic convent school where I spent my secondary education, which meant the presence of lesbians was a given – albeit there had been only a few in our school at the time. To spice things up due to our drab existence of not having boys around, some girls would even fake their sexuality and couple up with another girl just to “be different” or be talked about, or to experience what it’s like. Other than my innocent curiosity on how genuine girl to girl romantic unions express their ardent feelings for each other, I wasn’t interested. I’ve gotten along well with members of the third sex my whole life –they’re interesting and fun to hang around with – yet I’ve unequivocally preferred swooning for the virile gender.

In high school, the tougher your moniker sounds, the cooler and more popular you get. My friends playfully jumbled the letters of my name and had thought of calling me “Majo” or “Jomar” – until we finally settled with the nickname “Ojie.”

I was in third-year high school. She was called Tesong. Short for her full name Theresa Ong (Not to worry, thousands and thousands here possess such name).

It all began when the two of us played lovers in a classroom theatrical project. A mini-movie. Rehearsals and the actual shooting of the drama required her and me looking deeply in each others’ eyes, doing some sundry sweet motions – minus the usual intimate contact. Kissing not included, thank God.

The girl is not gay. But for unknowable reasons, her moves are not ultra feminine. That could explain why she played the Romeo, and I, the Juliet in the love drama. She has got masculine aura. Or at least that was what I had come to perceive. I did feel it – although I couldn’t explain it. No, it was not sexual at all. I was only 14 years of age. I wouldn’t even conceive of touching lips with her. Nor hold her hand. Unimaginable.

She had shoulder-length shiny hair she was always fond of smoothing with her hairbrush each break-time. An average-looking girl – who was nice and smart – with a complexion slightly darker than mine, she was well-liked by everyone, too. What I found most compelling about her was her gaze. Her somewhat chinky eyes – caused by her Chinese descent – had this ability to pierce through the very insides of one’s soul. My soul, for that matter. She could give an intense look that would go right through my heart and my core making me ask myself in the aftermath, “What was that?”

Repeated photo shoots to promote our minuscule movie served as the germination and perpetuation of my, er, secret sensations. From then on, I got tongue-tied whenever she’d come near me, made all the more convoluted by my pounding heartbeat. I kept on thinking, “No, no. This can’t be possible.” I possess too much of an effeminate heart to fall for my kind. Proof of which: my lengthy list of male crushes – photos of guys, both local and international, with killer looks and handsome faces that graced the cover of my writing notebooks and bedroom walls.

I couldn’t tell if she sensed how I felt about her. How could I let her know – or embrace what I’d been feeling when I was infallible of the fact I am so not gay? It became a difficult period instead because my deep infatuation for her was bringing me external discomfort and slight inner mayhem. Nonetheless, there was no uncertainty as to the young lady chromosomes that run through my body. I kept my silence without telling a soul at school and at home.

My uneasiness lasted for the whole school year. When I reached my 4th year, we weren’t classmates anymore. How I thanked the heavens above.

There are things in life we just can’t explain.

I met her accidentally inside a restaurant several years after our high school graduation. We were already in our early 20s. I was with a boyfriend then and she was about to have lunch with a bunch of her male colleagues. Still possessing of that shiny smooth hair and penetrating gaze, she seemed to have changed. Like she became more feminine. She even looked quite demure and giddy in the company of her debonair workmates. She truly was a girl after all. We had a little talk – then said goodbye. It had been my total closure. And I was glad.

 

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15 thoughts on “I Had A Deep Crush On A Girl Yet I’ve Never Been Gay

  1. I really liked this post and am glad that you wrote it. It inspired a post in me. I went to an all-boys catholic school. This brought me back to something we read in a literature class. It was the book “The Kiss of the Spider Woman” by Manuel Puig. The book really struck me and I realized that love or attraction in many cases is unaware and doesn’t care about our social conventions. Sometimes I feel that worrying about sexual orientation and social stigma kind of kills in some cases an innocent flowering of emotion into something… eh, I got a lot of thoughts, will be posting something on this. Hope you are well my friend.

    Dave

    • Well, I have to say I liked your comment above as much as you liked this post. You made me reflect on my uncomfortable experience with deeper meaning and appreciate it under a fresh and finer light. There’s a chance I might not have developed those feelings for my female classmate had there been boys around the school. Still, I’m not so sure. It’s the way she naturally looked at someone that did it for me and she was even unaware about her effect on people. I guess she was that special.

      Dave, the wisdom that comes out when you start keying in your thoughts end up shining like pearls. Being a fan of your blog and having you as my blogging buddy helped me care less about social conventions and extremely orthodox ways of thinking. You never disappoint whenever you start sharing what’s inside that bright mind of yours. That’s why it makes me glad and proud to be your friend.

      I am well – and I hope you are, too.

      • I have never learned how to take compliments. I usually smile and awkwardly raise an eyebrow. I am reminded of all the Shakespearean tragedies, Carl Orff’s O fortuna

        O Fortune,
        like the moon
        you are changeable,
        ever waxing
        and waning;
        hateful life
        first oppresses
        and then soothes
        as fancy takes it;
        poverty
        and power
        it melts them like ice.

        I really do think that love expresses itself in many ways and never pays mind to social conventions. I have been reading more of Carl Jung again and it has confirmed in me that what we call society is really a mass of dehumanized people, dehumanized people cannot appreciate love and are scared of feelings and thoughts that fall outside the lines of the norm. That isnt saying that everyone is dehumanized, but enough are that we are ruled by the murderous and violent.

        Im going off on a tanget but that’s jsut my take on things

  2. Great Post Marj! Thank you for sharing such and intimate event in your life, I have no doubt that it was a bit scary at the time but I have no doubt the lessons your learned from it helped make you the person you are today. I’ve noticed throughout the years that women can form close emotional bonds with people outside of physical attraction. So, I’d bet your not alone in this experience, though many may not be so quick to admit it. Puberty can cause kids to go off on tangents while they’re coping with all the changes that are happening to them while they’re becoming adults, as long as their urges aren’t self-destructive it can be a time for great personal growth.

    • And what a great comment you wrote above because you simply pinned down the precise reason for my unexpected “affection” towards the girl. I’m glad I didn’t act out on my feelings although there were times when I wondered what it would have been like if I did ;-). My pubescent hormones no doubt played a massive part on the experience. I forgot if I did feel scared – yet I remember not wanting to go through those sensations thinking they weren’t normal given the straight girl that I was (and still am).

      I like your line “Puberty can cause kids to go off on tangents.” I wish, too, something can cause adults to behave in a similar way. I hope I made sense in saying that :-). But really…

      Your continuous support and friendship as a fellow blogger remains priceless to me. Thank you, dear Martin.

  3. Wow. What a brave and lovely post. I thought this was really sweet. Though such experiences can be confusing and often remain secret, I suspect many (including myself) will relate to the sentiments you expressed here. I think this really speaks to the complexity of human attraction and sexuality. Though we typically have a binary conceptualization of sexual orientation, whereby someone is either straight or gay, beginning with pioneering sexologist Alfred Kinsey, research has revealed that attraction exists along a continuum stretching between to the two polar opposites whereby greater variation in attraction exists than allowed by our overly simplified paradigm. In addition, Kinsey also found that many men and women (who identified as heterosexual) had experiences or attraction to members of the same sex at some point, especially earlier in life. The politics and stigma associated with human sexuality often baffle me. I really appreciate those who are willing to share their experiences as you did here.

    • Let me tell you first how glad and excited I always feel whenever I see you and read something from you. It’s akin to a celebrity blogger’s visit who leaves a golden trail behind resulting from his erudite locutions and wisdom.
      I confess to not giving enough stab to rationalize my feelings for my classmate then. As a 14-year-old, I also conceptualized human sexuality in the binary sense which made me subscribe to its simplified paradigm. I’m not sure I handled my situation in the best possible manner although I can’t imagine, too, what could have been if I gave in to my emotions at the time.
      I hold this theory which I believe to be a fact. A female who gets attracted to the same sex is not necessarily gay. Although I cannot say the same for the male who gets to experience attraction towards his own fellow. It means he’s definitely gay. I wonder if you agree with me on that.
      Thank you very much for taking the time to read this post and key in your comment. I am a huge fan of your blog. But you already know that because you see me regularly on your stats. 🙂

      • Nice to hear back from you. I hope my comment didn’t seem critical of your behavior in regards to your friend so many years ago! Because, I certainly didn’t intend that! I think you handled the situation just fine. The sociological study of human sexuality and gender are a few of my areas of (academic) interest. Its something I’ve read a lot about over the years. I hope the tone of my comment didn’t seem condescending. Because, I only brought of Kinsey and all of that because it supported your experiences. Take care!

    • Dear PTFT (Ain’t sure if you’ll permit me to use your name here 🙂 )

      Ha ha! No no, I didn’t think you were critical or condescending at all. Nothing was amiss at your comment. Your sagacity at your young age delivered a very good impression on me instead and I was particularly thrilled by your presence here. Do you know that I am always learning something valuable from your every post and comment? Both of them make me think more deeply, too, which is one thing I haven’t done much in life – think deeply. 🙂

      You don’t ever need to feel that way, especially with me. You know I’m happier whenever you talk to me. Everything you might share will be precious, I assure you.
      You take care as well.

      Marj

  4. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for writing this. Your blog has always been honest and open, and this post is no different. Tesong no doubt possessed some combination of traits that was attractive to you. When we step back and really think about it, there’s nothing surprising about that.

    • Charles, I was only 14 then who had blushed and pined exclusively for the opposite gender, yet the apple of my eye at the time shockingly was a girl. Are you sure there’s nothing surprising about that? 😉
      This blog is serving as my memoir. I can’t afford not to be completely honest and open – no matter what the cost. Now, I will have to follow-up on your own memoir you are supposed to be penning. How’s it going, pal?
      And kindly give me time to come up with a comment on the current topic of your blog posts; Probability. That’s hard. 🙂

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