June Babe Musings (Certainties To Hold)

You can only measure me by the amount of love and devotion I have given you. If they have not been enough for you to regard me back, then the door is waiting for either one of us to step out. For I am that much willing to risk your extinction from my heart and my mind.

You were right in supposing I had wanted you to be true to me. I have long been finished with dishonesty, unfaithfulness, and insincerity. They had already filled up my cup of bitter tea from times past.

I could hold hands only with the truth of who you are. I don’t need a presentation of your unsullied version. You and I are both aware it does not exist; no matter how my esteem for you repeatedly blur the faults you might have had. As for me, I could have been just like you. Because I’ve yet to expose my dark heart which I may do so in increments.

I award my compassion easily. It has been one of my undeniable truths. On the other hand, I have not always been prepared to get hurt. Which is never good for someone like me whose affections tend to eclipse my necessary common sense. Who tends to keep in her heart what she must let go. But what woman wants to lose her sensibilities in the end?

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“Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me. I am who I am, doing what I came to do, acting upon you like a drug or a chisel to remind you of your me-ness, as I discover you in myself.” —Audre Lorde

There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little more from life. I want beauty. I want greatness. I want peace. All side by side with the freedom that I’ve preserved to enjoy. I may or may not deserve the petitions I send out to my universe. Regardless, I am bound to claim my privileges.

Let the rain of your beautiful words and wisdom pour into my soul. Through them, we will be united in our shared losses, hopes and dreams. How can I feel empty in the company of these faithful friends, when they have nursed me and propped my disposition through all these years?

I cannot deny my need for inspiration that will catch my visions. My need for an infinity of spirits. That will break in through my life stages. That will go about seeking my lost stories…to help remind me of the girl I used to be.

lady

We seem to be living in a world where everything we’ve leaned on has almost always disintegrated into dust. Granting that the evolution of my convictions is far from complete, I cannot belong to the kind who submits to standpoints most came to believe so easily. In the same vein, you may not be acquainted of this willingness in me to abandon the tenets I’ve nurtured that could no longer save me. How I frown upon disagreements, conflicts and confrontations. Yet I cannot apologize for what my mind has come to know.

If people ever felt the suspension of ease in and out of my candour, atonement on my part would remain to be not an option. I couldn’t have held my ground fostering the absence of frankness in my heart. My whole life has never been about making amends for who I truly am. I’ve even thought of myself as being special. Somehow. Maybe I’m wrong. But maybe I’m right.

Never have I dared disquieting the stillness of somebody’s universe – yet I committed the error of thinking people operate at a similar plane I do. Since I have adopted this medium to cobble my contemplations and true tales with reasonable comfort, it would be too late to back out now.

Not all strengths shine in visibility. My essence may humbly walk the quiet backstreets…while intermittent courage fairly keeps on supporting me in my moments of adversity; at this point in time when nothing else stands as a complete shelter from the ferocity of those rougher winds.

I wish to love only those whom I choose. Save my love and appreciation exclusively for people who are able to return them. I’m gradually learning to cut my losses. I am getting there. Heaven help me.

It’s possible to feel like I have run out of fresh beginnings. Pretty much the same feeling when I had fallen from grace many a times. It would be then that I start second-guessing the remaining good things worth seeking for.

Let us hope my emotional disconnect is a temporary one, as I continue to search for a better tomorrow that will sit well with my heartaches.

——

(*Take Heed: You can’t make the mistake of thinking I’m referring to anyone here. This is purely about exercising my writing muscles and my hankering to utilize an imaginary muse. 🙂 *)

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22 thoughts on “June Babe Musings (Certainties To Hold)

  1. Great post Marj! The great thing about better tomorrows are they’re always just around the corner and new beginnings have a sneaky way of starting before you even realize you’re in one. Humility is a strength…

    • You’re right about that, Martin. This post is also meant to speak to my sense of stability and mental equilibrium – that I may make the right choices and shape my existence to resonate with who I am at core.
      I continue to look forward to reading the new post you have been promising to deliver to us, your readers, soon.
      Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts.

      • You certainly seem to be on a solid path, anytime we take the time to assess ourselves and to dream of things to come and how we’d like them to be. We are going forward in the ever changing world around us…

  2. beautiful post it stirred up some thoughts and I will list them at random:

    I think that one can never fall from grace,. If it is really grace then one cant fall from it. Rather I think we can feel our connection to it severed The same way I would imagine one can feel severed and cut off from the sound of the sea after the summer has been blown into the recesses of memory by a coming Fall, until that is one puts one ear over someone’s chest and listens to the rhythm of the in and out breath, in many ways like the sea itself.

    There was a quote that I picked up from an elder gentleman who said to me once that God sits with the broken hearted. Life has an interesting habit of raising us up sometimes in our own eyes and sometimes in the eyes of others, and then crashing us down. It in those moments those crashes where I feel most alive because my own vulnerability is most directly experienced. There is a kind of ecstasy to that feeling. I do not mean a kind of masochism, I mean a recognition of our vulnerability the essence of our humanness. I feel being in touch with that has always lead me where I needed to be…

    • Such a beautiful comment from a friend of mine. The phrase “falling out of grace” has always been enchanting to me I have long wanted to squeeze it into one of my posts. The meaning must have gotten heavier than the one I had tried to get across but you have elevated its significance by successfully lessening its impact. And I thank you for that.

      I could have sounded like a tragic sort of woman with just enough perspective to know :-). Although it might be better to bend with the ebb and flow knowing “God sits with the broken heart.” How I love that.

      As always your writing style possesses character that keeps on growing into interesting dimensions – which is even evident on this page. I am honored to have you as my blog pal considering your breadth of knowledge and depth of reflection.

  3. Fresh is always out there, it breathes in what we can not touch, a winter’s morning, a summer’s blue sky, and sometimes it come to greet us, passing beneath a waterfall, the warmth the sun upon our face, rain to cover us beneath its liquid jewels offered to gravity. As friends, companions, cascade through our lives, they too are fresh to touch, to breathe in their splendour, and to share in the moments in each new, each fresh day as it gallops toward us, to pass us travelling in the other direction, to our fresh lives forward momentum, a future always worth reaching for, to touch…..

    • Sean, you just made me fall in love with you for a dozen lifetimes with that. 🙂

      It’s been a bit challenging to assess the merit of my words here especially after using my careless sentiments to steer my writing. But I’m holding on to yours hoping that their reach would stretch along the entire expanse of me.

      “… it breathes in what we can not touch, a winter’s morning, a summer’s blue sky, and sometimes it come to greet us, passing beneath a waterfall, the warmth the sun upon our face, rain to cover us beneath its liquid jewels offered to gravity…they too are fresh to touch, to breathe in their splendour, and to share in the moments… a future always worth reaching for, to touch…”

      I love everything about it…so now my prose is in sweet kissing with the stardust of your poetry. 😉

      • How long is a dozen lifetimes 🙂 Carefree, for writing like most things we do, are in the moment, and that is where it resides when even upon deep reflection in the curved surfaces across your entire expanse, it is in the moment.

        Poetry and Prose.. Like the breath of the winds cast from a solar storm, they travel far and long caught by the heat within the warmth of the Sun’s turbulent passion 😉

    • And so, the warmth that flows fast and fresh from the combined passion of the sun and the winds breathes into my depths…for you. 😉

      Thank you for sharing your beautiful poetic mind here, dear Sean.

  4. I’ve come to this article several times and started reading only to stop and put it on the shelf for later, because it’s a very deep and compelling piece that deserves full attention. It’s a beautiful and impressive piece of writing, Lady! I’ve come to realize we have a great deal in common in our thinking, and many of the things you said resonated strongly.

    “I want beauty.” That has been a big goal of mine from an early age. It’s true in my work and in my personal life. “Peace” is another goal I’ve sought (retirement finally brought a great deal of it, so I’m down to the search for beauty now :)).

    “We seem to be living in a world where everything we’ve leaned on has almost always disintegrated into dust.” Not only do our daily heroes turn out to have feet of clay, we’ve come to often prefer the anti-hero, the besmirched, gritty protagonist of our apocalyptic times. Rude seems to be the New Polite. Politicians are no longer expected to rise to the level of their office. Simply doing the right thing now makes one a “hero.”

    “…yet I committed the error of thinking people operate at a similar plane I do.” Heh! Do you know I’m still figuring out that isn’t true? All my life I’ve just assumed people had pretty much the same stuff in their head that I do. I’ve spent that time thinking a lot of people just don’t seem to be trying very hard! Yet it turns out that people are mentally “limited” (shall we say) in ways I find difficult to fathom. It helps to compare how I’m physically limited in ways a athlete might find difficult to fathom. (In fact, a direct comparison just popped into my head: when I was trying, futilely, to learn to skydive, I’m sure my instructors couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t seem to “get” it. Sadly (oh, so very sadly), it just wasn’t a skill set I seem to possess.)

    “Not all strengths shine in visibility.” Indeed. I so know that feeling. It’s like an Undiscovered Country that, if tourists would just take the time to explore, is filled with interesting sights and sites. Okay, granted, maybe the border patrol can be a little huffy at times, and the weather isn’t always stunning, and maybe some of the inhabitants are a little strange (but well-meaning), and there are a few critters to avoid, but really, it’s a very nice place, and it could do with a few more settlers!

    “It’s possible to feel like I have run out of fresh beginnings.” That’s the one that really rang like a gong. Totally. It’s not like I haven’t been to the well plenty of times. I just don’t feel like there’s another trip in me. When you’ve given your heart away enough times, you can end up with not enough left to share again.

    I will wish for you that your feelings of disconnect are temporary and that you do find new beginnings. The interesting thing about tomorrow isn’t that it never comes, for it surely does every morning, but that you never really know what it will bring.

    Remember there is no false hope, there is just hope. (I dated someone named Hope once. She came to tune my piano (not a euphemism, she was a piano tech) and stayed in my life for a while. Weird dating someone named after an emotion!)

    • Wyrd, I thought this is the kind of mushy writing you’d never give attention to :-). You can just imagine my surprise. And at the same time my delight for your appreciation and response to it.
      If you think the post is deep, your comment I actually find deeper; it has taken me a while to think of the proper words for this reply.

      “It’s a beautiful and impressive piece of writing, Lady!” You made me extremely thrilled with such assessment I would want to put a special frame over that particular remark. But it would have pleased me more if you had called me by my name – Marj. I consider you a friend now. My friends call me Marj here.

      “Politicians are no longer expected to rise to the level of their office. Simply doing the right thing now makes one a ‘hero.'” True. I’m not sure why people have started settling for mediocrity. Maybe they anticipate more about the excellent advanced features of the latest Iphone they don’t have the time and energy to contemplate on the quality of services given by their public officials anymore. It’s pretty much the same here in my country, Wyrd.

      “Yet it turns out that people are mentally “limited” (shall we say) in ways I find difficult to fathom.” Ouch :-). Kidding aside, I’m doing my best now to catch up because reading and learning could only serve as the best use of my time – although I’ve always been aware of my limitations mentally. Still, it’s better than nothing at all.

      “When you’ve given your heart away enough times, you can end up with not enough left to share again.” Maybe we should start a club for our “blase and jaded by love” kind with the designation: “Look What Love Has Turned Us Into.” 😀

      By the way, I wonder how you’ll go about on your quest to search for beauty. 🙂

      You dated someone named Hope? I happen to opine it’s a beautiful name for a woman.

      “Remember there is no false hope, there is just hope.” Ok, you said it. So I definitely hope you’ll continue putting up with me and accommodating me in your blog. No false hopes whatsoever. 🙂

      Thank you for coming here and commenting, dear pal.

      • The respect for a person’s handle is pretty deeply ingrained from the many online years. (I just did the math in my head… it’s about 30 years I’ve been online in one way or another!) My anonymity is important to me (for now), and I’ve had to edit a few comments that used my real name and send the commenter an email asking to please respect the handle. So, in turn, I tend to avoid using a person’s real name online as a general practice. (There is also that I like nicknames — I’ve given quite a few out in my time — and Lady from Manila is a nice one.)

        But Marj is fine, too. I’ll call you whatever you like. A Taxi. For Dinner. Ishmael. … 😀

    • It’s true that I sometimes wish I didn’t have to call you Wyrd. Your real name (which WP gives away whenever one makes a comment) is a favorite of mine because you and my childhood crush have the same first name. But I understand your need for privacy, so I’m ok with calling you Wyrd or WS. I’m just so thrilled to have you around.

      Oh, And I’m also game with you giving me different and fresh monikers. That’ll be fun. Er, Ishmael..? 🙂

  5. “We seem to be living in a world where everything we’ve leaned on has almost always disintegrated into dust.”
    Beautiful.
    Then again, this entire piece was something to be proud of, my friend,

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