July Babe Musings (Yet There Exist Uncertainties)

Nothing momentous to share of late. Various demands on my time and my quotidian routine are probably contributing to my current lack of dedication to write on this blog. Writing has never been easy for me anyway. To boot, my regret for not developing the right foundation with regard to reading and writing in my much younger years still weighs on me every so often. It would have made a difference I’m sure. I could have been a lot better at wordsmithing, and writing about any theme would have been a snap. Alas, I’ve always struggled at every single item I manage to pen here.

It seems I’ve overdosed as well on putting out mawkish materials that make me feel nauseated every time I review my prior posts these days. I’m itching once more to delete them all. At the same time, I’m aware the never-ending process of discerning my voice here through the odd congruence of my love for the people around me, my moderate degree of contentment, my inevitable melancholy, and my low-grade indifference continue to unfold. They might have already combined in abbreviating my essence, too.

alone

For now, no foolish, unrestrained feelings have been confounding me since my heart has earlier on been freed from the shackles of needless emotions. I have waited for so long to arrive at this placid station in my life. Very liberating, in fact, as it has afforded me to think more clearly and focus better on loftier goals. Yet could it be that the sweetness I used to spread around is gradually turning into some hard and bitter marrow of truth?

And then there also have been countless times when I feel like I’m walking around empty. As if I were only half alive. Because the impact of my massive loss early this year still weighs heavily on me. I sometimes even find myself turning away from anything that would remind me of the joys I lapped up in times gone by.

Since when have I started learning to feign ease even though my spirits inside are dying one by one? It’s no use pretending I’ve completely moved on. I’ve gotten tired of anyone who’s eager to dictate to me the manner on how I should put my one foot in front of the other. For the truth is, my dearest one who has left the realm of the physical world continues to hold primary residence inside my mind. Yes, there has never been a day that he fails to enter my thoughts. It seems my sense of loss has indeed infiltrated an undiscovered region. A kind of sadness seems bracing itself to settle by my side permanently and I’ve become jaded enough to allow its impending presence. Or maybe my broken heart has gotten underway in finally surrendering to eternity.

Still, the reality of how we’ve been all living on borrowed time is palpable. More than ever. So I’m doing my best to secure my world from a fated rupture. I’m taking shelter in constructive diversions hoping they would help eclipse my reality no matter how short a time. The simple details of this life I’ll try my best to keep on cherishing – privately. I can indulge on looking at the drama of the drifting clouds in my sky above and know it’s all I have for that moment. To desist from taking the present moment for granted. It ought to remain as a promise to myself. After all, I’m still entitled to whatever is left for the merits of my future.

Yet I wonder if I ever would find again the stories I had lost through the midst of those painful times.

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8 thoughts on “July Babe Musings (Yet There Exist Uncertainties)

  1. Marj! We all go through a bit of agony every time we post something, or at least I know I do whether its a post to my own blog or a response to a friends. It’s sound like your still mourning your recent loss, that’s understandable there are no fast or fixed rules in the grieving process. Don’t be afraid to explore those feelings, live in them for awhile until your ready to move again. For all of us blogging is way to express ourselves in an ever-growing impersonal world, don’t be so hasty in deciding to remove posts, you put them there because at the time its what you wanted to say. Personally, I’ve posted a few things that I’m not sure I should have but I leave them there in my archives because they are all part of who I am, though they in no way define all that I am. I’m sure this is true of you too. Muses are fickle beings they can motivate us in new and unusual ways, giving us an opportunity to learn and to grow. Ultimately, it’s up to us whether we chose to follow or not… 🙂

    • Yes, dear Marty, you’re right in saying the truest thing we can leave behind as artifacts of our existence are our wonderfully unique stories. Finding our own truth from them invariably illuminates the worth of our past, present and future.
      Though sometimes when we start down the path of healing, something out of the blue pops up in every direction, casting a huge shadow across our efforts to heal. It takes a good amount of awareness and determination to seize control in such a condition. Yet we can always take responsibility for our actions and make definite choices. Choice is always the beginning.

      Thank you, my friend, for your highly-appreciated support once again. I hope things are well with you and your loved ones.

  2. The old saying about time healing wounds seems trite and of little comfort, but it is true. Most pain will fade with time, at least its sharp cutting edge fades. Memory remains. But a time comes when one realizes the memory doesn’t hurt so much anymore. One trick seems to be looking forward, not backward. If you look backward too much, you bring the painful past along with you in your wake.

    And it’s also true that life changes us, strengthens us in places and weakens us in others. We develop calluses and tender spots. We learn that life is never fair, frequently painful, but sometimes joyful. Perhaps one of the truest phrases in human existence is, “It is what it is.”

    As for the writing, finding your voice, it’s all a process, and as with so many things, it requires doing, practicing. The interesting thing about blogging is how casual it is. That makes it a good place to practice writing. (And, as I’ve said before, your writing skills are much better developed than for many native speakers.)

    • HI! It’s unexpected, but I’m quite happy to see you here. Oh dear, the “month babe musings” have been compelling me to come up with at least something – although this is actually another oversentimental post I had hoped would escape my blogger pals attention :-). Besides, you know how it is with women. There is that certain period in a month when we become a little more emotive. 🙂

      That said, your comment is rich and full of wisdom and understanding I feel like crying (it’s true) because all your words have hit the right marks. “Life changes us, strengthens us in places and weakens us in others. We develop calluses and tender spots. We learn that life is never fair, frequently painful, but sometimes joyful. Perhaps one of the truest phrases in human existence is, ‘It is what it is.'”. I like that very much. And yes, I’ll be counting on time to do its stipulated job, too.

      Your blog is one of the major reasons that make me look forward to go online on the weekends. I am mighty grateful of your presence in our blogging world, Wyrd. I’m sure you already know that.
      Thank you very much for your visit and reassurance.

  3. It’s nice to read to read you again! The one thing I like about life is that there are no reasurrances of anything. Whta is the precse amount of sentiment and emotion to have ? What is the limit of sentimentality ? What to share what not to share? We live always in the depth of vulnerability and there are no “correct” answers to any of these questions. I do not think human beings are made to remember that we are on borrowed time, or to appreciate , thats jsut me. If we were I dont think there would be so many supposedly spriritual people and prophets, self help guru, pundits, and Deeprak Chopra ( he eschews all categories) Looking at the my own life, sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel agony, soemtimes i suffer greatly, sometimes I laugh like a madman, a few times i feel happy. I have come to see for me that it folly to think that I can control what I say how I say when I say it and the state inner or outer from which my expression at the time is grounded in.

    with that said I really love this post. It’s fucking awesome dare I say. On the level of verbal engagement it is great. On the level of procuring images and emotions its also great. I like it on many levels. I look forward to the next thing you write. I hope you are well and chilling.

    Peace
    Dave

    BTW from Bukowski

    for the concerned

    by Charles Bukowski

    if you get married they think you’re
    finished
    and if you’re without a woman they think you’re
    incomplete.

    a large portion of my readers want me to
    keep writing about bedding down with madwomen and
    streetwalkers –
    also, about being in jails and hospitals, or
    starving or
    puking my guts
    out.

    I agree that complacency hardly engenders an
    immortal literature
    but neither does
    repetition.

    for those readers now
    sick at heart
    believing that I’m a contented
    man –
    please have some
    cheer: agony sometimes changes
    form
    but
    it never ceases for
    anybody.

    • Thank you, dearest friend of mine. I guess there’s no need for me to say again and again how you always manage to lift my spirits up with your presence – which is accompanied by the beauty and fecundity of your mind.

      “Looking at the my own life, sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel agony, sometimes i suffer greatly, sometimes I laugh like a madman, a few times i feel happy. I have come to see for me that it’s folly to think I can control what I say, how I say it, when I say it, and the state of inner or outer from which my expression at the time is grounded in.” And that’s just what I love about you, my dearest pal. Why it’s quite easy to find you endearing. You are a naturally amazing person. What I read and see from you is what I get. No wonder your blog keeps gaining attention from the right people.

      Yes, it’s true there are no assurances of anything in life, In the same vein that we always live in the depth of vulnerability, and that there are no “correct” answers to any of these questions – as human beings are not made to be reminded they live on borrowed time, or to appreciate it. Very wise and insightful reflections from you, Dave. And thank you once more for sharing some of Charles Bukowski’s quotes.

      I just found this beautiful thought from the combined words of Mark Helprin and Gordon Livingstone: “Memory and devotion . . . with it your heart, though broken, will be full and you will stay in the fight to the very last.”

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