All Feelings and Nothing Else

In person I’m not a major talker. I never was and I guess I never will be. I’ve no problem being viewed as taciturn anymore. In my younger years, some relatives and acquaintances had even ridiculed me for my innate reticence. Painfully shy since childhood, I concede to being one of those people who have come to live inside their heads with ease.

As the main avenue I can now turn to for consummate expression, the world of blogging has become a saving grace for me; in hopes it’ll constantly be the crucial place where I can strip my soul and be completely ingenuous in narrating the yarns of my existence.

But I don’t want to feel like I need to apologize for things that get uncovered in these pages. Or that I’ve got to prove anything about myself. We live in a world where each one of us is defined either by the material things we possess or by the relationship we should preserve with our fellow beings. I confess to not giving much of a darn to either. And that could mean I will continually have to pay the price for my unconventional perspectives and uncensored prose.

Yet the decision to face up to the consequences is a done deal.

My son is the driving force behind the set up of this blog. Perhaps in his future he’d want to know what his mother was all about, warts and all. He may want to read the things I wrote here someday (or not). If ever that time comes, my hope is that this site will still be around – even after I’m long gone.

You may ask: Why don’t I journalize in the privacy of my notebook instead? Exposing my writing, in contrast to keeping a confidential diary, prompts an effort on my part to check on my syntax and punctuation – a peripheral activity I find pleasurable in the process. It’s not a total win-win all the time, though. The impulse to convey my admiration or add my two cents in recognition of some co-blogger’s outstanding post makes me forget the invariable upshot of drawing attention to my own site – which shamelessly houses the contents of my mind and heart. Never was my intention to invite anyone to become a follower. Being misunderstood plus the misconception of my warmth are among the inevitable ramifications, too. These days it makes me wonder if it would have been wiser had I stayed an undisclosed fan or reader to them all.

My writing boldness is propped up by the fact I am thousands of miles away from all of you. I basically feel safe. A morsel of discomfort pinches me, however, whenever I see the country Philippines on my Stats. Except for one very young female co-blogger, I anticipate of no other reader from this side of my hemisphere.

Conversations with people around me in my physical world are mundane and unfulfilling. Colleagues and family members would seek my attention and companionship just so they could babble to their hearts’ content. They knew I would be listening. Not a tangible spirit in my actual realm has been aware that deep inside, there exists a long-standing discontent for not having enough people close by who are on the same wavelength with me.

In moments when I get tired of my own reflections, the need to dip myself in other people’s words come to me. Trapped by my circumstances, the blogging world arrives to the rescue. It’s a comfort allowing my own thoughts and concerns be buried under the voices and contemplation of others from time to time. Which brings me to mention more than a couple of fellow bloggers I’m fortunate to have known for their enviable psyche and superb skills of expression:

One of them has just written a beautiful piece about his parents who are on the brink of slipping away (his folks are probably the most beautiful elderly couple I’ve seen online). I wish I had the right words to say to him. But all I can reckon with certainty is – compared to me – he’ll be much stronger in dealing with it all when the zero hour comes, and that he’ll be able to carry on in a finer demeanor than I do.

And there’s this other long-time blog buddy whose father has just been confined in the hospital. Thankfully, it was nothing serious. Me and this bro pal of mine: we’ve always been like children in our online conversations; although I haven’t been an awesome friend or elder sis to him lately and most probably had sounded like a jaded twerp during our recent chats. Yet he surprisingly put up with me and has been quite patient. You haven’t lost me, dear brother. That’s all I can assure for now.

There’s also this phenomenal woman from a lovely island in Canada – who currently works in a rehab center – I’ve been itching to send a fan message and at the same time extend my apology to; for the reason I had misjudged her posts, at first impression, on the subject of men and love. In truth, she has been a true source of inspiration to me for her splendid works which are – on the whole – funny, intelligent, enlightening, touching. I still have to figure out how to get through to her without feeling like a bonehead.

My writings have been deemed melodramatic, cynical, and emotional; by individuals who, I realized in the end, hold nary an interest to get to know who I essentially am. The embarrassment I had felt then from their conjectures led to my attempts to alter the manner of my articulation here, until it seems I’ve begun writing like a man. But I’m a woman… which means that, yes, sometimes I am all feelings and nothing else.

This words I penned for my gravatar profile many moons ago:

Allow me this freedom; that I may find closure to my quest for endless new beginnings.”  It had been true then… It still holds true to this very day.

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10 thoughts on “All Feelings and Nothing Else

  1. “…my hope is that this site will still be around – even after I’m long gone.”

    Yeah, likewise. I’m scrawling on the interweb wall — the only legacy I’ll ever have. (You, at least, have actual off-spring; a much better legacy!)

    • Honestly, I might agree with you on that. I included the word “might” because I’ve known a few people who had had children but regretted having had them and died so all alone in the end. I had a strong suspicion I was not wife material; now I’m having a supposition I ain’t parent material as well. 🙂

      Wyrd, I derive ample wisdom, knowledge, and pleasure in “the only legacy you’ll ever have” – all this time.

      • You wrote elsewhere about how well your son was doing. That’s a reflection on the parent, so you seem to be parenting just fine. (No one said it was easy… or even always fun!)

        Haven’t seen you much around my blog these days. Figured it was a case of “read’m and leave’m.” 😀

    • Let me shed light on the reason you haven’t seen me around your blog recently: I had a feeling you were put off by my post then about a co-blogger. I knew my readers wouldn’t like it but I decided to take the risk. This blog is going to be useless (for me) if I can’t express what I think and feel.

      Wyrd, I’m not the “read’m and leave’m” type. If you look at your stats you’ll always see the Philippines in there. Who else could it be? It could only be me. For always….

      • There is some truth to that, but it wasn’t the post (and I agree about being able to express yourself) so much at the thinking behind it. I didn’t want to get into it online, and you hold the blogsphere at arm’s reach (your “no email” rule), so there was no way to talk to you about it.

        The bigger share was my mom reaching the obvious end stage of life and then dying in March (after a lot of pain), and there was some family weirdness going on with my sister (still is), so I was hurting pretty badly. Again, not something I intend to live online. Enough time has passed that I’m sticking my head above ground again now.

    • I understand: Complications within the family bring me down, too. And the pain of losing your mom also entered my mind during those times. I’m glad you are able to stick your head above the ground these days – you are even writing regularly. That’s really good.

      Your blog posts often explain entirely your subject matter I find myself with nothing to add or comment on. Besides, you’ve always been vocal about how most people don’t measure up to your mental ability – I’ve been feeling more shy. I don’t even know where I got the guts to fill up your comments sections in the past. 😀

      Oh, I slept incredibly for 15 hours straight ( yep, I didn’t go to work yesterday but I will today with or without sleep) I haven’t had time to comprehend your (and/or any blogger’s) most recent entries. I’m hoping to get back to being a commenter of your blog again.

      Wyrd, if ever you need someone to talk to or simply feel alone, feel free to email me. I got burned by my two previous email pals which made me impose the no email rule. But I’m not that coldhearted a person. If you need somebody to listen to you, I’ll be the right person; although for intellectual conversations, you just might get disappointed. 🙂

      • I’m out the door to run some errands, but I wanted to say something about the people not measuring up thing. I know I give that impression, but it’s not the signal I’m meaning to send. I truly don’t look down on those who don’t have the same education or mental training that I have — I fully recognize these are things I’ve worked hard to achieve.

        What does get under my skin is people who aren’t curious or who aren’t interested in learning or who can’t deal with new ideas. The analogy is how a professional athlete doesn’t blame people for not being on their level, but they might regret that some people make no effort at all or even argue against being athletic in some way.

        I’m actually starting to work on a post that tries to explain the difference. It’s not about education, it’s not even about intelligence. It’s about not trying or willfully closing the mind.

      • And FYI, I thought you did just great in my comments section; you’re always a welcome visitor. Also, thanks for the kind offer — I’ll keep it in mind!

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