I love my child – in spite of…

.The last thing I need is to fall into any form of depression. That’s why I’m doing my best to take care of my health by getting enough sleep, eating right, taking supplements with ginseng (which has been effective for me in combating the blues), exercising, and avoiding stress. And this I got to do: writing down here why I am not feeling much up to do anything lately.

Two weeks ago, a good news worth rejoicing at made me do something I haven’t done since November of 2014: I went to my son’s office. I was feeling grateful about life and suddenly felt an urge to see a most significant person (who’s still on earth) in my existence – my son. My feet led me to his place of work but upon arriving, the receptionist in the engineering firm informed me my son was absent that day. I knew instantly the reason why. The boy had been with me almost 24/7 for twenty one years. His health has always been delicate. For mysterious reasons, we couldn’t pinpoint exactly why he easily catches the flu. I went home feeling heartbroken that Friday knowing my baby was sick.

I was blindsided by my son’s departure from home two years ago. Although he had mentioned of moving out, it didn’t occur to me he’d indeed have the heart to leave me. I overlooked the notion he could have been truly excited venturing out on his own after placing second in the national Engineering exam and had success finding a job soon thereafter. He immediately wished of becoming totally independent. That he left in a disrespectful manner, perhaps to make things easier for both of us to let go, made me resent him deep inside. I tried to act civil and be grown up on the outside about it although I was secretly quite hurt. When he hardly made an effort to keep in touch after moving out, I gave up and granted him his complete freedom. We didn’t have communication for more than a year.

Thursday, June 16 2016: It took me almost a week to go back to his office because I suffered from stomach upset and partly from acidity due to a moist tiny piece of cake inside a plastic that I bought and snacked on during the weekend. My son was already back to work – yet he looked frail and thin. It was difficult for me to see him looking that way. Whatever resentment I had felt before started to melt. We proceeded to a restaurant and talked. I explained my side and how I felt during the several months we had zero contact. We apologized to each other. Still, he wouldn’t open up to me as to what’s been transpiring in his life. He seems to continue enjoying his independence and wouldn’t allow me any access as to what’s going on — even if he’s spreading himself thin and his very busy schedule is eating him alive.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m positive my child isn’t doing anything bad. He’s always been a good boy who has lived clean. He also just received an award for being most behaved in the office. He’s just too preoccupied with his many activities and memberships and friendships and living on his own. He even has a You Tube site where he showcases his piano talent plus expertise and he keeps a blog in which he writes about engineering stuff. Yet he doesn’t intend to share anything with me as to his current happenings and condition, maybe out of fear it’ll break his stride, or to prevent the possibility I might influence him in any way.

The thing is, I’m worried about the boy and his health even though there’s no doubt he’s freezing me out. The realization there’s nothing else I can do gained more clarity. It’s heartbreaking.

Seeing him has brought back the painful sting of the wounds I’ve tried to bury for months and once again I am reminded of how I could have really failed as a parent. Before we parted ways as he walked back to his building, I embraced my son tight twice dearly, and told him I’ve always loved him and always will.