last-minute solemn thoughts and revelations before setting off

I wrote my first entry prior to my initial trip to Europe in the past; now that I’m again on my way to the same continent, I’ve found my thoughts not much different from the ones I’d had when I was a couple of years younger. My feelings about life, God, aging, solitude, and the dearest persons to me are pretty much the same.

There have been changes. My son is gone, and so is my full-time job – both of utmost importance to me. For twenty two years I have defined myself by my love for my child; and for a decade, by my love for teaching. Both of which I ended up letting go due to circumstances beyond my control.

I’m old now. I’ll be reaching my 50th year soon. I must have spooked you there, right? 🙂 I sound like a 16 year old lass here most of the time. I still feel young at heart, that’s why; even though the mirror has been more and more unmerciful in its reflection of truth as time goes by.

What has taken place between me and my child has been heart-breaking, I try not to brood over it anymore. I’ve already done my very best for him.

Although I’m not a believer, I wish there was an afterlife. So I’d be able to spend time with the greatest loves of my life: my father and all the dearest dogs and pets I’ve had – they haven’t been forgotten, and I miss them all so much.

Often have I felt I don’t belong in this world. But my heart is still beating, my eyes can see, my limbs intact. There’s no excuse not to get on with the business of living. So I’ll see how far down the road this life will take me.

 

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