My Biggest Heartbreak

Nearly a year ago from today, I had relayed to you how I prayed hard for a dearest one to survive, to stay alive. God answered my prayer — and she and I were able to spend Christmas and New year in the ancestral home we just moved into. Then I lost my brother last January. The past six months that followed had been one of the saddest periods of my existence.

Unbeknown to me, an even larger sorrow had been looming ahead. Another tragedy would hit that would leave me with a deeper sense of loss. And it would take place within a span of two weeks this July.

After my son’s final departure eight years ago, nobody was left — only me and her. My friend, don’t think of me absurd when I reveal to you she isn’t human. Do take into account my deep compassion for God’s other creations since my younger days.

People have hurt me — but she, my baby, had given me only love, devotion, true companionship. Through nearly nineteen years of togetherness. She was simply there for me — through thick and thin. A fact I could’ve taken for granted many times.

Today exactly marks the third week she’s been gone. I had previously thought I’d feel alright somehow when this day ever arrived. That there would be a little sense of relief when this time would come — considering how I’d sometimes get overwhelmed by all my tasks and responsibilities, and how she could be a handful on certain occasions. How dead wrong I was. I now feel devastated losing her. It’s like I’ve lost a major reason to go on. What little joy that’s been left before is now completely gone.
What I would give if only she could be with me again.

I couldn’t sleep during her final days as I tried to make her feel she wasn’t alone during her last moments. As a result, I felt nauseous throughout the ordeal. When she manifested signs she was in excruciating pain, I couldn’t take it anymore I called my sister and asked her to assist me to go to the vet so she could be finally put to rest.

She’d been sick in the past I knew this could be it — due to her age. I must forgive myself for not being able to save her this time — and for being clueless she might already have been agonizingly afflicted even before she stopped eating and drinking. I decided I’d leave it to God and fate this time. I didn’t want her to die solitarily in some vet clinic — and I’d prefer she’d go before me because she’d be left with no one if I perished ahead of her. But you know how guilt could strike in the face of tragedy and despair I keep second-guessing myself for every decision made, now that it’s all over.

One thing you should know about me, my friend: When I witnessed my father, my mother, my brother and my pets’ physical sufferings before God claimed back their lives, I ended up loving them a thousand times more. It’s simply the way it is with me.

Mornings are the hardest when I had been used to my baby feline’s sweet greetings whenever I open my bedroom door after waking and getting up.
It feels so strange and painful these days getting through the day living without her. She was a constant and a substantial part of my existence. I now go through every motion with the heaviest heart. She’s always on my mind as memories keep flooding in. She wasn’t a mere cat to me. She was my baby, my dearest child.

Her love and attachment to me I had felt in spite of her circumstances. I’m more sure than ever that if she could have the chance today, she’d express to me her wish that I survive this heartbreak. That I must keep going on.

I had taken care of pet dogs in my earlier years, too, and how I love and cherish each of them to this day. My fervent wish to the Lord is that there really exists a heaven for all these wonderful creatures. Because I want to see again and be reunited with all the pets I’ve loved my whole life, this time for eternity.


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