By now you must know how flawed and imperfect I am. Yet I could sense how much you’re still willing to stay. Many a time I ran out of words to express how you’ve turned out to be my closest thing to heaven. What it feels like not to be so all alone most of the time. How this love feels so right because it mostly feels easy and light. I gave in to a force which has made me write once more. Not because it hurts to love, but because I’m happy in love. While you keep lighting up the corners of my room Love and pain might take place Yet I feel no wound and no scar is there to touch.
Lovingly, marj, 07oct2021
And how I will always remember these words you had said in the past: “The breeze can be just right. Let the winds blow your soul clean.”
I will tell it like it is in this post. Gonna be straightforward. No holding back.
The man I’m in an online relationship with is not physically my type. Mainly because he’s fat. He said it so. And he actually is. But that’s the only major flaw I could recognize so far. Because I like him. I even love him. Well, maybe more as a friend. We’ve been connected on fb for 6 years or more and we’d chatted briefly on and off in the past but that’s it. Okay, so there’s one more flaw in him and it’s not about his physique. It’s the fact he’s just like other men. He likes being with women. Sigh.
Our “romance” started when my reconnection with Mr. Poet cum librarian fell apart bcz his keto transformation made him think he’s turned into a sex god he’d want to engage in sex talk with me. When I laughed it off, it made him unhappy and I knew he got pissed off. Look, online sex talk will never happen with me. Even at my age, I ain’t that desperate.
So I knew I lost my reader and poetry mentor in G. I got worried bcz I needed a reader at least. I thought initially of Mr. Cootey — but taking into account his fascination for young Japanese girls, it made me want to puke. I contemplated on my previous blogpals. Then I figured G is married, I don’t want a married reader again this time. I’m left with only Chris. Chris, whom I dropped and blocked a few months ago bcz he seemed to like women a lot he’s been burning the chat aisle for God knows how long and often. Yet I badly needed a reader. So I swallowed my pride and offered peace and made my request. No reply from him for many days. He seemed still miffed I had blocked him a couple of times before. I checked him off the list. Then he suddenly popped and reached out Aug 27 and the rest was history.
He may not be exactly my dream man, yet I’ve come to love him. He’s been attentive and sweet. Having him in my online world has given me inspiration to write again.
Still, there’s this huge issue of fidelity which is important to me. He keeps on saying he’s not fooling around. But let’s be real here: What has been his life before I came in a month ago?
Nothing is real in an online relationship. Who are we fooling… A man who has an internet existence has got all the freedom. And enjoy he certainly will with all the available women on the intrawebz. Sigh.
Anyway, both our status state we’re still together — although I doubt we’d last long. We are definitely headed for a breakup anytime soon. I can’t be in anything that isn’t true. And I do require faithfulness. Because I am the loyal kind.
I just came home from a brief walk this afternoon. I had stopped by a nearby grocery store, bought a few necessities and, alas, sinfully gave in to 3 small bars of chocolate wafer bcz they’ve been heavily discounted. During such treats, I habitually eat the stuff somewhere outdoors as, since the pandemic started, it has become my modified version of “dining out”.” 😀
While I revel in the pleasure of my impulse snack, the light blue sky across high above turning into maximum dusk became visible to my senses. The clouds have soaked in the setting sun, thus getting mildly bright in orange hues; at the same time that the half moon has already settled in its place up there for the night. And I thought of how lovelier everything has been turning before my eyes — because of the current state of my emotions: That of loving someone. Of having that someone on my mind. What an ineffable phase to indulge in.
To bask in the possibility I’m still capable of great love and of great joy. Because I have been cherishing a man who is delightfully capable of deep thinking, and of equal profound love as well. A gem of a man that, in my esteem, any woman would want to have as soon as his sheen has been fully perceived.
The poetry I’ve written, the song I had dedicated to you, the letters that spoke of how I’ve felt will remain. All testimony to how I have relished every tender stage when I have had you in me.
This letter I’m writing, with you on my mind as a friend first and foremost, I endeavor to be expansive aboard my revelations.
These days there’s this inexplicable exuberance within me — just by being aware of your presence in my life and in my heart. A feeling of lightness that engenders a broader breadth for kindness and congeniality when dealing with others in my physical world.
What you did when you swiftly and favorably acted over my query by affirming on your fb that we are in a relationship is bound to belong within my treasured memories for good.
As my long-time online fb acquaintance through the years, however, I’d been aware you’ve cultivated an online existence that, no doubt, is a hundred times more bustling than mine. Not mentioning the additional reality of your free spirit having to sit at a desk job for, I surmise, more than a decade.
The nagging premise I could be one mere pearl in a long string; or that my primary purpose is to be another online companion as you keep enduring your grind at your office day in and day out, resides in my consciousness.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m heading for a big heartbreak or that if I’ve even allowed myself to. Even so, loving you has thus far given me warmth, a feeling of comfort, and elation that weren’t easily present in most of my previous romances.
You aren’t someone I’ve permitted to gain entrance to serve any other objective. Most often I’m cognizant how I’ve let slide many of my interests, leisure activities and even trivial chores because I’ve been gleefully spending time with you.
I’ve come to nurture my affection because of the wonderful soul I see as your core. For a capacity in you to truly fall in love with a woman and stretch it out to eternity, and the acuity and brazenness you possess to tell what is and isn’t so — to tell me if I’m mistaken over all these loving grounds I hold up in esteem of you. Or not.
Having said all this, the love I feel for you is the most certain thing which I’m ready to carve, rounding with a huge heart, in any dense rock here.
That was in response to his letter last night below:
I hope this humble missive finds you well. I cannot but continue to marvel at how fortune has smiled upon me. Just knowing there is someone out there that shares the same love of language and phrase that I do is incredible.. and that you are not only so gifted but so sweet and lovely in spirit as well . I do hope you are ok.. you seemed a little subdued. There probably isn’t much I can do to help.. but I’m willing to try.
This is what a traditional Filipino love ballad sounds like. Often dramatic… but I loved it. It became my all-time favorite Tagalog song when I was in my late teens because, for my taste, everything blended beautifully : the lyrics, melody, rhythm, and the vocals. I didn’t know both the title and the name of the songstress then as I only heard it being played on FM radio. The whole day yesterday I made big guesses until luck finally led me to this song.
The song tells of a woman’s deep regret for having been unfaithful in her younger years. No, it doesn’t apply to my life. I’d been love’s victim most of the time 😀.
I’ll try to translate the lyrics into English and in poetic form so I’ll be updating this post every once in a while.
Okay, here goes the translation– to the best of my ability:
Desperation overcomes me
In my solitary existence now
As memories that I try to run away from
Call back past loves that slipped from my hands one by one
Repentance is all that’s left
When I think of yesterdays I had carelessly spent in the arms of many
Guilty as a sinnerthat I am
Heaviest tears the price I’ve paid
with deepest sorrow that only serves right
For someone like me who had been untrue.
Anyway, these days I think I might be falling in love again. A secret for now. No, not with the same asshole. Somebody new — I hope. Why the words “I hope?” Coz man, I need to be in love to be able to write corny verses once more.
You, more than anyone, possess the good facility to comprehend what others could not. You who, no doubt, possess the proper sight to view me across another planet. You, who might provide clarity from this paradoxical existence I’m trying to set free. You whom my heart and mind demand to understand why I need your constant affection.
Because, my friend, I’m one of the handful you know that had been molded by the fierce elements that move the sun, the moon and the stars.
I could dart high above the ground, barrel against the strongest wind, turn up the sun’s heat by a single desire burning inside me. Fueling this drive to experience and to pen about the prominence of heavenly romance, of one mythical man dropped from above — stemming in knowledge what isn’t easy to love; defending my repeated need to write in absolute audacity with no meaningful purpose — begetting zero obligation, zero responsibility, zero sensibility.
Often I catch myself in recall of all those strong bad beautiful men that had chained me in my past, sustaining me for my deviant propensities, unfitting fantasies, wild infatuations. Which makes me think maybe, maybe I’ve rightfully earned those betrayals after all.
Oh how I’ve loved and lived yet still feel undone. Unendingly opting towards that higher ground —
greater than my passions, lesser than my sins, equalizing them all to a redemption I somehow feel I deserve.
And you’ll be here or there somewhere, standing still, outside of any judgment, while we trade in words for comfort, friendship, and care. I’ll come to you, and press my head against your chest, my heart within your hands, unable to speak… nevertheless serene to know I am, in a good way, home.
He’s Mexican and a bodybuilder. Is there anything substantial between his ears? I guess so. He’s very talkative in his videos (speaking straight verbal Latin), i.e., when he isn’t doing push-ups, pull-ups, handstand or jumping rope (that’s his specialty). And I really don’t care much if he’s your typical muscled-dumb dude. Btw, he’s hardly fluent English-wise. Never mind, just look at the body 😍. Ooo la la…
The truth is when I first laid eyes upon him, his looks somehow brought to mind somebody I had kissed (don’t be literal) online a long time ago. I ‘dunno… When I was younger, bearded guys never appealed to me. My taste must’ve evolved.
Anyway, this guy, let’s call him Gerardo, which by the way is his actual first name, used to be mega heavy on the weight scale. He had pics with his former girlfriend who happened to be plump as well. For whatever reason, he made the best decision to transform himself into a dreamhunk. The girl couldn’t keep up with his strong will and determination to become super fit she simply disappeared in the videos that followed. Gerardo Alejandro has turned into a YouTube sensation. He’s had his ups and downs but resilience seems to be one of his strong qualities.
Okay now, back to what all this has done for me. You already know, I get motivated to write when someone inspires me. Since I have a mild crush on Mr. Muscled guy, I figured I’d better take advantage of my silliness so I could write short romantic lines once more. I came up with just a few, and posted them on the comments section of his channel without sacrificing my anonymity on YouTube. He clicked Like on my every comment which also usually included positive remarks over his video’s content. Win-win for both of us.
But here’s the recent twist: I’ve a strong feeling (I’m a sharp woman, you know) he’s just fallen in love with a pretty Mexican model with whom he currently collaborates with on his workout videos. That, of course, feels like having cold water pouring down on me. I can’t continue what I’ve been doing for weeks — writing and sending lyrical phrases. It surely is gonna be awkward this time. So, my Muse has just walked out the door.
I deleted more than a couple of my most recent comments to him and decided to instead publish here some of the lines I’d written.
Here, the ones I wrote for Mr. Muscle:
My love, what language must I speak so you can hear what I feel?
A vision of you is like a touch to my heart by the morning light.
The only certainty I hold are the lyrics this heart sends to you.
Roses bloom not one nor two but three, for each breath I take when I look at you.
Your face in my palm/ I kiss in scented wish/ as tonight the moon unlocks/ the words that will meet you here.
This one below I wrote today as my farewell line w/c of course I won’t be sending towards his site anymore:
I write this across a nightsky that has done the crying for me, as I see you being pulled up by the stars to a space beyond my grasp.
Silly verses, you most probably think. Well at least I’ve been writing. 🙂
You know, I read my lyrical attempts from way way back — kind of reminiscing. I realized I didn’t write so bad. I was actually good. And that’s a mere personal opinion of mine.
Both my parents were killed by type2diabetes. They were clueless as to the proper foods to consume and which ones to totally stay away from so carbs, sugar, and seed oils wouldn’t destroy their health. If I knew then the things I know now, I could’ve probably helped or even saved them. The problem is I suffered for decades from various physical ailments, too, bcz of my ignorance in the field of nutrition. These days I’m still a work in progress when it comes to propelling my eating habits and exercise routines to excellence. Plus I also intend to release here blog entries of the notes I’ve gathered through months of research for documentation purpose.
Fruits today are hybrids, genetically engineered to become sweeter — purely for commercial aims. Fructose from fruits can only be stored in the liver, and the liver dealing with a great deal of fructose has deleterious consequences.
My mother was crazy about sweet fruits such as yellow mangoes, bananas, melons, papaya, etc. She’d often consume them without limit in a single meal, thinking they were healthy foods because they’re simply fruits.
When she reached her 70’s, her cognitive dysfunctions got worse. She’d often act like a lunatic, and we had no idea why. My brother, sister, and I thought it was part of aging badly. Looking back, there’s no doubt all the sugar that accumulated inside her system annihilated her good brain cells. It led to other diseases that suddenly ended her life.
Remember hard: All carbs turn into sugar when digested. Moreover, there is no essential carbohydrate, unlike the other two macronutrients.
Oh I’m still struggling. But what matters is I am armed with all this knowledge now.
Daily reminders to myself ( even though it’s hard):
Cut the sugar. Stay away from refined carbs and processed foods. NO SOFT DRINKS (my long-time addiction). No sweetest desserts (another addiction of mine).
Don’t overeat. No snacking. Steer clear of MSG in food stuff and dodge gluten products.
Avoid dairy. Very very limited red meat (total elimination is better). Strict restraint on fruit consumption — fructose in fruit is dangerous indeed. Not being keen anymore on synthetic vitamins.
Go grain-free as often as possible — drop the pasta, bread, cookies, rice, crackers, oatmeal, etc.
Oh, I give in to temptation every now and then. But my resolve to get back on track is strong. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I’ve always been on the plump side since my 20’s. I’m so much happier now with my lean look — aside from feeling more energetic and being pain-free.
I’m fortunate to like physical activity, exercise, eating vegetables, and not be a coffee lover.
I intend to live longer and enjoy my remaining years.