oh my heart

I don’t want to write him back. I can’t be another one on a long string of pearls. But I miss him. I hate love…

You’re still in it. You’ll always be in it. No, not literally. But in your heart. Nothing ever ends, not if it’s gone that deep. You’ll always be walking wounded. That’s the only choice, after a while. Walking wounded, or dead.

Julian Barnes, from The Only Story

Yes yes, Mr. Barnes couldn’t have said it better.

I should just look forward to go traveling again. Even though I have no more money. 😀

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musings on a very hot busy summer day

Beware: Stark honesty ahead.

I keep on saying I like men in general. I admit though the self-centeredness could get so appalling at times. All the males here basically wanted their egos to be constantly stroked. It’s tiring sometimes but I enjoy the patting most of the time. It’s what we women are good at.

My current apple of the eye, although generally a good man, is someone who seems to be basking in his social media fame over the attention he gets from very young ladies and, uh, girls. Imagining about it, considering his age, makes me go “Eew” but, you know, I need the inspiration and I won’t be able to write anything nor be productive if I dwell on such an unpleasant reality. (Of course my insecurity is apparent right this moment — what middle-aged woman doesn’t feel this way?) We are all flawed. And I am being judged no doubt too by the people I’ve interacted with here who’ve been surely disappointed by my foibles and mediocrity.

I’ll be totally honest in saying I’m glad to have found him and I like “loving” this poet cum librarian because he’s not really a mean person. His FB friends (duh, I looked at his profile) had expressed the man has got a golden heart — how refreshing, for a change. Because I’d had it with intellectuals who were frighteningly insulting and verbally abusive.

I also need this kind of distraction…badly. When I lie down to sleep at night, I remember the ones I’ve lost — especially the most recent one. I miss her despite the fact she didn’t love me. And I’m reminded of how I could have been a better daughter to her — which I chose not to be, because she had hurt me so much. I don’t have a golden heart, yeah…

I’m enjoying both the poetry readings and my piteous poetic attempts, to boot. I guess I’ll be staying in this realm for good. Reading and writing. With or without the men. Brokenhearted or not, I’ll find a way when the time comes my present “love” is not worth being my Muse anymore.

Anyway, these have been my sentiments and ponderings as of late.

in Wilderswil Switzerland last December. Up close, I don’t look that young: Of course I use an app to erase a few lines; I’m now in my 50’s, fyi. But people say I’m still beautiful –face to face–in person, and I fucking believe it. Hah! 🙂

moonstruck for a while

A brief encounter with a Tumbler resident who fondly describes himself as “a librarian by day a poet by night” precipitated a jumpstart of my writing objectives the past week. Fully inspired, I went over the annals of this blog to polish a few stuff for the end purpose of entry redux. Boy, was it painful reviewing my prior scribblings. Was my writing that harrowing? No kidding, I wrote all that junk?

See, the mediocrity was staggering. There were numerous instances of an oversupply of conjunctions and adverbs, generous display of redundancy and corny perspectives, not to mention the manifestation of a below-average intellect. I wonder how could’ve those owners of avatars within those tiny boxes below permitted themselves to pop up beside the word Like. 🙂

To think I’ve been careful not to lose this site because it serves as key to my essence as a soulful being — housing, to boot, the entirety of my opus. (chuckle chuckle)

Anyway, while trying to get my bearings Mr. Dcootey and I reconciled, too, a few days ago when he reached out unexpectedly — resulting to us getting back in each other’s arms as FB pals. Sort of. I’m a forgiving gal, what can I say.

So I’d been somewhat smitten with the middle-aged poet-cum-librarian. Kind of gotten over it by now — as I’m determined these days to focus on refining my composition skills. Will be spending more time on Tumbler although WordPress remains to be my homeland.

Do wish me gargantuan luck. I need it oh so badly.

Image may contain: Marjorie de Leon Mamaradlo, smiling, standing, sky and outdoor
In captivating Vienna last December 2017. So so cold though….

a glow once in a while

An unexpected turn of events last week felt like something just gave birth to another side of me. As if after an indefinite time had passed, I’d been shaken up from some deep rest.

This has been my home for ages. There was, however, another refuge on Tumbler which had laid dormant for so long; basically functioning as a photo album — one of the sites where I fling my selfies for storage. Surprisingly, the beginning of this week found me with two new Tumbler sites.

The ending seems tragic once more. But the moon will be coming for me in the evenings … always willing to heal and sweeten a half-tired existence. And I am feeling the splendour, through the motion of words words words which keep framing the legend of the once-upon-a-time girl who has perpetually toted around a silly sentimental heart.  

prag9
Time, defer your flight. Hear my heart pounding. There’s a dance I would like to go to. Let me burn a bit much longer with the stars in the night. — geena, march 2018

I’m Going To Europe For The 3rd Time

My favorite destination: Europe. My flight is tonight. I’ll be staying within that continent for two weeks. I’m spending Christmas and New Year there, too.

It’s my very first solo journey. Completely on my own. Prepared for several months for this. Am I petrified? You bet I am. They keep on saying it’s the dead of winter now in that part of the globe. and I easily feel cold. So again, am I petrified? The correct answer should be: will it help if I am?

I hope to see falling snow. It’s my dream. I’m not sure I’ll get the chance to witness such a spectacular view. I hope I will.

Whenever  I travel abroad I make this tiny assumption I may not be able to come back. One thing I learned about life: You never know what’s gonna happen next. Anyway, I wrote this post a testament as well to the love of my life, my father and all the pets I’ve had. I’m gonna miss my cat, Snowy, who I have to leave behind for a while until I come back. My brother and his partner will look after him.

I’ll be posting photos as soon as I can. and I will add more to this post later as I am in a hurry; I’m on my way to the airport. Wish me a very happy and safe trip.

of men, bots, and relationships

My FB “pals” recently had an amusing discussion on sexbots and I found this comment from brad torgersen a thrilling possibility.
“Sex droids may well doom the human species, beyond religious and/or Luddite communities who see it as a duty to continue to procreate for procreation’s sake. Forget the female droids. When convincing male droids arrive, it’s over. Women will pay top dollar for a robo-boyfriend who never goes out late with the guys, never gets drunk, never smokes or has other bad or annoying habits, never has bad hygiene, is sculpted physically in exactly the way any woman wants (especially “down there”) and—this is the most important part—never prematurely ejaculates, is always as big and as hard as the woman needs, for as long as she needs it, and the droid can be programmed to “sex talk” her in her favorite actor’s voice. Hell, the droid can look exactly *like* her favorite actor, if she wants. Actors could handsomely *retire* on licensing their voices and imagery, simply for this purpose.”
Me (in my room while reading): Hah!
A friend named Holly had this response to brad: If I could get all that and never have to deal with a human male again as far as a personal relationship goes, count me in. I never got all that from any man, it does’t exist. Only deceit, dishonesty and selfishness.
This is from a formerly long-term married woman who is the most loyal, trustworthy, honest person you could meet. I won’t give any man the chance to kick me in the teeth again.
It seems a lot of women are as jaded as I am when it comes to relationships with men. Honestly, in my vision, they’ve come to all look alike not to mention they all behave pretty much the same way.
A very young lady who has started working for me is seeing a lesbian and it makes me wonder if dating a gal isn’t as stressful as dating a dude or won’t end up as shitty. The idea of romancing another woman, however, sounds bland and is so uninspiring to me as I’m every inch straight — no matter how I’ve been told repeatedly lesbians do it best when it comes to “that.”
On a serious note, I’d pondered how my life has been so peaceful since I’ve lost interest to be part of a couple. Barely a month ago a younger man who was probably one of my customers — his face was familiar —  tried to make small talk while I was waiting for a jeepney on my way home. A brief smile and nod were all I’d be willing to spare as a comeback. Another time someone would smile at me on a train; I awkwardly smiled back so he wouldn’t feel he got snubbed then I hurriedly looked away. Also, a few had made an effort to befriend me online and establish some chat interaction yet I’d somehow find a reason to completely cut off ties soon enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy dealing with men and I can find pleasure by being plain friendly to them although I take extra care these days to avoid misinterpretation. And I do still enjoy watching and reading feel-good romance stuff — yeah, even at my age, don’t laugh.
But my reality makes it clear I’m not suited for whatever it is I might be missing. Just like I’m not the kind who’s wired to experience lasting felicity just by being the other half of a twosome. No need to remind anyone of my deeds and decisions in the past on matters of the heart which are something I’m not proud of. That it’s more likely my low self-esteem caused all that is a harrowing truth. What’s the point going through all that again?
Somebody had asked, “Isn’t it lonely?” Frankly, I don’t know…or maybe, I can’t tell anymore. But the answer most probably is “Not at all.” A hard-core introvert that I am, solitude has never been an issue; sorrows, troubles out of love alliances and despair from romantic attachment were.
But hold it, I’m definitely counting on that robo-boyfriend my FB pals are talking about. Surely it’ll come out very soon. Make it very very soon. 🙂

Otto Wambier’s Tragic Case Broke My Heart

Image result for images of a younger Otto Warmbier

Quite so. The boy was only 22 years old; three years younger than my son. Otto didn’t deserve the kind of fate that was handed to him. I can only imagine how terrified he must have felt last year during the process and his trial and the days that followed after receiving his sentence. The most vile, trashy news site which is Yahoo.com published heartless reader comments that even blamed this poor young man for his choice to go to North Korea and committing the mistake of taking down a banner to take home as souvenir. Many Liberals expressed similar thoughts while displaying their appalling demeanour toward the issue. How low could these people get.

I have very little compassion for the K citizens, whether they belong to the North or the South. I know their real nature as I’ve dealt with these type of beings for 10 long years. What little respect I’d previously held for the Obama administration, due to its inaction, completely dissipated as well.

My deep condolences to Otto Wambier and his family. My heart feels heavy every time I think about this unnecessary tragedy.

Final pictures show laughing Otto Warmbier days before arrest in North Korea