I Will Grow Without You (On Being A Parent 2)

Nobody reads my blog and it’s facilitating my writing need to expose what’s truly in my heart and mind. I want to be able to document my history, my present circumstances, my feelings, my thoughts. I’ve no time anymore to worry about any co-blogger’s judgment as to what I write here; it’s been more ideal.

Barely five years ago, a talented female blogger I looked up to narrated the heartbreak she was experiencing when her son kept his silence and put a cold distance between them. Her narrative, as a consequence, inspired a post from me over my gratefulness for still having my son at the time while basking in my confidence on our strong bond. She somehow found out about my post – and though she was kind all along, she said something like “I had thought it wouldn’t happen to me, but it did.” Deep inside, my response was “Heaven knows how hard I’ve tried to do things right. I wasn’t perfect but I tried hard indeed. What happened to her won’t happen to me — not with the love my son and I have for each other.”

Well, fast forward a few years to reach to this day – that female blogger had been accurate in her prognosis. I was such a fool. I’m still trying to muster the courage to write to her and tell her how much of a laughing stock I must have turned out to be.

There’s nothing more humiliating than people thinking you’ve failed as a parent.

“How can you even function when the person you’ve devoted half of your life to has done the unthinkable?” My sister perplexedly asked during a conversation on the phone one day.

Unthinkable…. yes.

My answer: “You should understand –- I’ve done my best for the boy. Haven’t I sacrificed enough? He might not see it that way and I doubt he ever will. My conscience is clear, nonetheless. Never was I remiss in doing my job as both his Dad and Mom in the twenty two years we were together. He left on his own. There’s nothing he could need from me now; That I’ve got to accept.”

Don’t get me wrong: It was a shock to me initially. Tears have been shed, but I’ll be honest in saying it hasn’t matched the tears I’ve shed for losing my father. Why? I had neglected my father for many reasons; one of them was attributable to my struggles as a single parent. As a mother, my best, if not all, had been given. Yet my father — whom I owe my life to — was in my life longer. But there was nothing I had given him; nothing I had done for my dearest one.

And what right do I have to chastise my son when I have not exactly been a model daughter to my parents either?

I treated my child so much better than my parents treated me. Having no other children could have been a factor. Still, I didn’t completely turn my back on my father. My devotion to him lingered through all those years. As to my mother, I still manage to talk to her every now and then.

I asked my son repeatedly what went wrong, he wouldn’t say. Was it because I went ahead and spent for the vacation trip (out of my own pocket) that he refused to join following his successful Engineering exam last year?

I asked for his forgiveness repeatedly as well for whatever I might have done that he couldn’t make allowances for. It didn’t save our relationship. He simply wanted to live his new life – without me.

So, you see, my conscience is clear.

That it has happened at a time when I still have my health and the grace of, hopefully, several years left to get on with whatever good that has remained is a blessing. The uncertainty of what lies ahead ought not to plague one’s mind. The future will somehow take care of itself.

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“I will grow…even without you.” Those were Rosie O’ Donnell’s words after her recent controversial falling out with her daughter.

How quick it is for people to cast verdict against Rosie O’ Donnell. As the parent, she gets the flak for everything that has taken place. Even though we aren’t so sure of the true score.

She is reportedly broken in heart and spirit these days. May Rosie carry on through this tough period in her life.