Nothing earthshaking with regards to my existence and life story. Everything about me is simple, average, mediocre. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I can’t bring myself to lie or commit any type of fraud. Maybe I’m basically a good girl because of my decent upbringing — but, mind you, I am no angel. Am I a disciplined person? I can consider myself so — because undisciplined is someone I’m definitely not. My rebel character, however, springs up every now and then as I am moderately notorious for being a nonconformist.
I got married to a master electrician a couple of decades ago, a union which lasted on and off for unbelievably ten long years. We had a son whom I raised singlehandedly until he reached the age of 22. When this only child of mine got a job five years ago, he left home and never came back. We haven’t reconnected eversince.
How do I describe myself? Painfully shy and quiet, honest, sentimental, loyal, sensible, skeptical, stubborn, thrifty, broken and, imo, deeply flawed. Also sometimes cold-hearted with people (by reason of blistering life events) but, most of the time, I’m truly soft, sensitive, vulnerable. I used to be so self-conscious of my bashfulness and whatever eccentricity I’ve had. I wish somebody had told me it’s okay to be different. That you can conduct your oddness with grace and pride.
There’s a tendency for my written expressions to become melodramatic especially when they touch on matters of the heart. Even so, my belief remains that exceptional poems and prose have stood out for the justifiable degree of drama they exhibit.
Many people have deemed me a strong woman. Deep down, I’m not. I’m a baby in the middle of physical pain — and I’m bloody fearful of losing my independence and financial self-reliance. How I wish I were tougher like the handful of women I have admired.
You think I’m a cynic? Perhaps so. A famous author, nonetheless, asserted people who have been cited for their cynicism are actually deep thinkers who possess razor-sharp observation when assessing situations. Isn’t that a bit encouraging? 🙂
A small number of things I believe in: Romance-wise, I hold faith in the existence or reality of soulmates, in love that lasts till the end of time, in faithfulness, storms of passion, kindred spirits. The younger me had consistently nurtured a few ideals about love; yet the older me today doubts her capacity for this four-lettered word. What do I really know? All I can say is that I sure have suffered from feeling too much and allowing my heart to rule over my sensibilities.
Aging has been a painful phase for the eternal girl in me. How can I feel old when my heart keeps failing to recognize the march of time?
Religion is also a never-ending thorny issue in lieu of my need to believe in a Higher Power so it can help me endure life’s hard knocks as well as ease my sense of isolation. Lamentably, atheism seems more suited to my way of thinking.
That both my parents played favoritism among us siblings scarred me for life. I was the quintessential daughter who couldn’t measure up to her beautiful elder sister.
In school, I had been fond of the subjects Art, History, Astronomy, Law, Philosophy, P. E., and of course, Literature. The following, btw, were the awards and recognitions I received during gradeschool years: Best in Reading and Writing, Best in Language, Most Polite (my mother taught us her children to always greet our teachers), Most Industrious (I regularly stayed after class to arrange back the chairs and put things in order around the classroom — something I enjoyed doing).
My loves: reading, writing, traveling; dogs and cats and indiscriminately, all animals; dancing, rainy days, breathtaking scenery of landscape and nature, pretty malls. I love looking up at the sky morning, afternoon and night. The moon in whatever shape and shade has found a fervent lover in me.
My likes and interests: exercise, hard-action flicks (minus any revolting graphics), milk tea, Coca Cola, food and drinks that have chocolate in them, pasta, funny guys who make me laugh, humor among plentiful things and situations, clouds, libraries, bookstores, alleys and balconies, elevated trains running across the sky, mountains, snow, falling rain; the colors pure white, light brown, soft red; cool weather, musk scents, astronomy. So far, a few of my most favorite authors and poets are Richard Jackson, Albert Camus, Fernando Pessoa, e.e. cummings, Kenneth Rexroth.
I don’t mind doing housework, several chores I find relaxing such as washing the dishes. I like being organized. Yet I have this frustrating habit of not putting things back in their proper place.
My hates: summer at its peak, loud blabby women, bugs (especially the big flying ones)
A couple of my minor regrets: First, not keeping a diary. Second, not learning how to ride a motorcycle: I fancy women bikers as ultra cool.
I would want to live forever not just because I’m afraid of death but because there’s so much in life to cherish and hold on to.
In my next life, I’d be a female librarian, a musician, a versatile actress, a great poet.
Another all-time beloved song. Everybody likes this old classic. My most favorite version is this highly dramatic rendition by The Four Tops.
“I will take the wine while it is warm
and never let you catch me looking at the sun
But after all the loves of my life, you’ll still be the one.
I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it.
I will have all the things that I desire
and my passions flow like rivers in the sky
And after all the loves of my life, you’ll still be the one.”