The Trouble With Me, I Guess

I’ve written before of how some people were able to hammer down the walls I had built. Show me a little kindness; show me a little consideration – and you can keep my heart for as long as you want.

So instances of broken trusts, or cruel words, or repeated disregard for my feelings can grow thorns onto a rose — for my mind has come to hold you in reverence. I’m aware as well it’s just a matter of time before the coldest fog between us sets in. The glass walls, which this time are unbreakable, eventually slide up around me and there will be no words left, other than a look that says you can’t hurt me now.

Yes, I have been called cold-hearted more than once.

Loyalty and dedication are virtues that don’t serve merely as superficial words for me. I flinch thinking of the moments I had used the word “friend” to regard a few people I held dear in my past. It could take some time to disentangle myself due to the degree of my attachment, I confess. The connection might renew at a distant future – although things cannot be the same as they were before.

Accuse me of being sentimental, of being a fool, of being someone with a flair for drama, whatever. Just don’t make me surrender to something that cannot be part of my nature. We are from different worlds, it seems.

And do not speak of a faithfulness that you’ve professed to have been carrying – unless you can surpass mine.

**********

Been hanging around You Tube this weekend listening to my favorite songs from way back. Was I glad to have found this gospel-like rendition of George Benson’s “Unchained Melody.” I fell for it the first time I heard it in my late teens. I can’t believe it took me this long – almost 25 years – to search for the song and listen to it again. It remains as the best version ever.

I plan to include in every post my favorite songs from now on since they play a major role in my happiness.

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16 thoughts on “The Trouble With Me, I Guess

  1. Are those your words, LFM, the ones in italics? Or were you quoting someone? Either way, they’re pretty intense. I, too, have been called cold-hearted at times, but I suppose that’s because I’m not the highly emotional, warm and fuzzy type and can compartmentalize things and, when necessary, distance myself. Walled off? I like to think of it as being insulated rather than walled-off, but maybe that’s just splitting hairs.

    I’d never heard the George Benson version of “Unchained Melody” before. I’ve heard it sung by a number of artists, but the one I am most familiar with is the one sung by The Righteous Brothers. The Benson version does have somewhat of an ethereal sound to it.

    • The words are all mine, Doobster. Written on a Sunday afternoon yesterday. The prose was really just about exercising my writing muscles and my hankering to utilize one or two or three imaginary muse :-). Nothing serious.

      Except for TheRbrother’s, I still have to look up Tom Jones’s and a few other versions of “Unchained Melody.” The orchestra background and Benson’s soulful voice suit my taste, though.

  2. “The connection might renew at a distant future…”

    I pretty much say the same thing. I don’t say “never,” I just say maybe in the future but not at this time. When I say “maybe” though, I feel as it will probably be never.

    It’s taken longer than I thought it would to fully disentangle myself from certain people. Perhaps I haven’t created enough new memories and connections to erase the old ones.

    • The advice of being wary of who to welcome into your life is sound although never an easy one to put into practice. -sigh-

      Btw: Hey, MrJohnson, how come I have yet to read a post of yours that would reveal so much more about your personal life. I’m sure you’ve got some stories to share. Or have I missed reading them?

      Also, your last post on ISIS was hilarious. 🙂

      • I thought I had written some personal posts but maybe your definition of “personal” is a little different. I don’t write too much about personal details because almost all of it is negative..haha. People tend to frown upon “woe is me” childhood stories. Other personal stories would probably make me sound like a drama queen. There’s hardly ever any women in my life. I don’t know what else there is. I’m sure you’re not wanting to hear about my foot fungus if I had it.

    • A drama queen myself, I won’t mind reading sob stories. But yes, I was referring to that “personal” side of you. All the bloggers I had followed shared something in that area more or less.
      “There’s hardly ever any women in my life.” I hear that sometimes (rarely actually) from western men; it’s just that such a situation for a male is non-existent here due to surplus of the females. So it’s been perplexing — considering you’re a man still in his prime.

      Foot fungus, yeah. I’ll have to excuse myself from hearing about that. 😀

      • The sob stories are there…mostly about my childhood and current life. I thought those would be considered personal. Western men is mostly just another term for white men so it’s different for Asians living in a western country. Most Asian guys I know here will marry the 1st or 2nd girl they meet out of high school. They’re not exactly social butterflies.

        My situation is more complicated than other Asians and even most people. Having no father and a non-existent mother is a good blueprint for someone who will have troubles with women, people and life. If I was white I’m sure it be different because there are lots of white women who come from shit homes who would I would unfortunately connect better with. Interracial dating is accepted but still not that common. There’s still barriers that are deterring enough for people to just gravitate to where they are comfortable.

        I’m also really picky with women. Not because I’m too good for most of them but because they’re not good enough for me..lol. I’m sort of joking and sort of not. I don’t have a lot of reason to be picky but I just can’t help it. It’s also true that I’m not as obsessed and tolerant with women as most guys are.

        I can understand how my situation is perplexing to most. Dating comes easy for most people because they are always around people they can connect with at the core level. Possibly my biggest fault was surrounding myself with people who were nothing like me. Or my biggest fault was just being me.

        Why is there a surplus of women over where you are?

    • That I could relate to your being brought up by a single parent (being a single parent myself a huge chunk of my life after my marriage failed) and your feeling of isolation are among the reasons why I’ve been fond of your blog, MrJohnson

      I’m also appalled by what people are willing to put up with just to be part of a couple. It’s just right to be picky with women. I guess I’m simply used to reading a guy’s blog that occasionally touches on their views and history with the opposite sex. If you would allow me to be totally candid, with no intention to offend whatsoever: There was this time when I thought you were (kind of) gay because you had written much about the topic — which is perfectly okay as I’ve had several male gay friends before.

      If you are more comfortable with your current status, there’s no reason to alter your situation. If ever something happens in your life that might change things for the better, it’ll be a very good thing as well.

      In my case, I have been wanting to blog more about men-women matters for the simple fact that I’m just a typical woman, but I’ve always had second thoughts for fear I might be misinterpreted, considering I have cultivated blog friends who are mostly male.

      The ratio of men to women is almost 4:1. It could be that a great number of filipino men are living and working in the Middle East. All the younger teachers where I work are not just single, most have never been in a relationship. And I’m talking here of pretty, educated and fine ladies. Incredible. 🙂

      • It must be normal to want to be in a relationship than to be alone. You can look at it like a job in that most people would rather work a shitty job than not have one. I basically have a disability. There’s not much about the opposite sex on my blog because I’ve never been in a ‘real’ relationship and not much goes on in my life these days.

        So you thought I might have been gay? HA! I wish. It’s quite trendy to be gay these days. I’d probably do better in that market too.

        I’ve never heard that about the ratio to men and women over there. A lot of Filipinos over here too for work. Not sure how they feel about Canada. It sounds like if money wasn’t an issue then they would rather be living in the Philippines.

      • I’ve read from Canadians about Canada not having an ideal weather. I also heard about Canadians being more reserved which doesn’t fit well with Filipinos’ a little animated nature. 🙂
        For a time, I thought I must have pissed you by my former impression. That particular thought only popped up when I was new to your blog. My sister has warned me against asking direct questions even to people we’re acquainted with. Questions like “Have you had a boyfriend since your partner died?” But I would rather ask than suppress my curiosity. Of course now I’m aware you are actually a warm red-blooded macho. 🙂

        This comment was accidentally sent even though I wasn’t finished yet. Anyway, I hope you are having a fine weekend, MrJOhnson. Warmest Regards.

      • Ya the weather kind of sucks. Where I live is the best but it’s nothing to brag about. The rest of Canada is filled with snow for close to half the year. Ya, Filipinos seem to know how to have a good time.

        Not asking direct or more personal questions would be the safe way to go. It would definitely limit the conversation though. But it’s true that some people feel very uncomfortable and even offended by more personal questions. I’m having a lazy weekend but happy to have it still.

  3. No one could surpass your loyalty and dedication in the reading and writing you pursue, Marj. Such a natural to unraveling the jungles to glasshouses in delving beyond just the first page, first post you browse, read to the fullest. Unscripted, you open up worlds in places often at the edge of dusk and distant rain, to find where the wildflowers rest in wait. I hope all is well up your way, Marj. I hope all is well.

    • Sean, we’ve lost contact for some time but it really feels good to see you again. I apologize for my “behaviour” the last time. I was at a crossroads then, especially with this blog.
      You see, We have dissimilar aims on wordpress. As my blog for the longest time, this one I intend to be the carrier of my history, heart and soul. Not that easy when taking into account a small number of blog acquaintances whose assessment might have a bearing on how I wish to chronicle everything about me.
      Being misinterpreted has always been a concern of mine; I had been advised by one blogger to keep a more private diary, but why would I even bother to check my syntax or grammar for an off-the-record journal? : )

      Thank you for a very lovely comment. Now you don’t expect me to come up with beautiful lines in similitude to those, do you? 🙂
      I’m fine, Sean. I won’t ask about you because I’m well aware you’re very much okay. Cheers.

      • No apology required, plus I apologise for my slackness in visiting regularly in the past. As a journal, chronicle how you want too, if I had caused any pressure or influence there, I am sorry. At least you can at any time turn off commenting for any particular post you’ve made.
        No, no expectations to match lines 🙂
        Good to know much is okay for you, cheers.

    • It wasn’t about any obstacle by reason of pressure or influence from you. It was more of what the heck am I subjecting my readers or blog pals to in my churning out of silly and schmaltzy posts.
      Oh you needn’t apologize for whatever slackness there had been in the past. I actually realized you were a consistent visitor I should have reconsidered my lack of shame in this tell-all memoir. 🙂

      Thank you for your kindness, dear Sean.

      • A reader comes by choice, they bear that burden, to stay, foster and consume words, or to depart, journey further perhaps. I’m consistent at times, inconsistent on other occasions. Don’t worry about the lack of shame, life stories always come with tides and storms in between the doldrums. Makes it more challenging as to how to make editorial choices.

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